menachem in israel

Is it finally over?

2008-12-31T12:20:00.001+02:00

I just got off the phone with Bar Ilan, trying to work this out, and it’s still not worked out.

The Bar Ilan English department has this stupid thing called a B.A. exam, with very simple “See Spot run. Run Spot run” type questions, and, while there are no credits for it, you need to get a 60 on it in order to get your degree. I think the reason for it was that the English Department got burned too many times by Israelis who manage to get an A in Comparative Literature or write papers for Advanced Shakespeare, yet still not manage to be able to speak a word of English. Don’t ask.

I’ve been out of the country the last few times it was offered, or missed the deadline for registering for it for various reasons I won’t get into, but I’ve reached the point now where my not having taken it is the only thing holding me back from graduating (That, and a professor who still hasn’t graded a paper I turned in four months ago). So in order to take it now, I had to register with the status department (statoose) to register for a course not as a student, get special permission from the department, pay 10% of tuition for the pleasure, pay a fee-paying fee, pay a late fee for the fee-paying fee, and whatever else I don’t even remember anymore. It cost me something like 1500 shekels to register for this, and they told me to come back on January 4th to take the test.

So now January 4th is just around the corner, and I figured I’d be a little proactive and call the department to find out what time on January 4th the test is going to be, because the Bar Ilan website refuses to tell me. The Bar Ilan website is so screwed up that it refuses to even acknowledge that such an exam exists. Of course, when I call, they tell me that the B.A. exam has been cancelled (meaning that the website isn’t so screwed up after all – Bar Ilan University is screwed up), and that it is no longer required for graduation, and that they sent out a cancellation notice to everybody who was registered for it two months ago (If this is correct, then it was about a week after I registered for it). Except, it seems, to me.

So here I am, seemingly graduated retroactively two months ago on a technicality, assuming that I eventually pass on the paper I turned in four months ago for a Spring 2007 course. Mazal Tov to me?

Also, whatever happened to my money?

Downward Trends

2008-12-18T21:22:00.006+02:00

This is what happens when you quit blogging for two years:

I blame Facebook. Whenever I have a thought or a comment to make, it just goes to Facebook, to somebody's wall, or a comment on a picture, or a note, instead of the blog.

Well, I supposed I'd better update everybody to my life. Sarah and I are having a baby in about another month and a half. Actually, I guess I haven't updated this blog in even longer than that. I got married! To Sarah Gold! (Now Pritzker). Life's pretty cool - I'm working for Re/Max in what may be the worst real estate market since Pompeii exploded, and we're living in Katamon.

Back to Facebook, what do people suggest I do? I could delete my account altogether (Something I really really do not want to do, not the least of reasons because of all the pictures I store there), I could change the password to something I'll never remember, rendering the account inaccessible (Something I accidentally did to my AIM account), or I could just not do anything, and let Facebook continue to suck the life out of me (Something I'll probably end up doing).

Hello.....echo.....

2008-12-06T20:52:00.003+02:00

Does anyone out there still read this thing? I just bought my very first real domain, which is pretty cool... and then gave it to my wife to blog on. www.babythingsiwant.com. Check it out!

Sarah's other blog: www.sarinthecity.blogspot.com

And hopefully I'll start posting stuff to here again... to my now-empty audience.

If Lenny Bruce Were Here

2008-07-08T13:23:00.004+03:00

A weekend spa on the Dead Sea - Goyish

Making the hotel separate swimming hours for men and women, and hang up plastic sheets over all the balconies to block view of the sea - Jewish

Calling the media when you arrive at your hotel only to discover that the hareidim have taken over - Very Israeli

Remember - Still Fiction. I'm Not an Idiot

2007-03-14T20:07:00.001+02:00

There are so many things about Israel that are great, and yet so disappointing. Take, for instance, the mail boxes. All over the country, there are these gigantic green cylinders for mail. In America, they would just sit there, ugly ‘n all. In Israel, the cities commission children to paint them, and they look great! These colorful murals really brighten up city life, and take an otherwise unattractive yet essential feature, and turn it into something really beautiful.

On the other hand, these “paper only,” (or so says the stencil. I guess no packages) mailboxes service the worst postal service ever. I don’t think a single letter I have mailed has ever reached its destination.

Didn't Actually Happen

2006-12-13T11:33:00.001+02:00

Never run for the bus. There’s always going to be another one, and there’s no need to lower yourself to the humiliating spectacle of a person laden with bags, awkwardly clutching your newly bought coffee and Danish that made you late. So never run for the bus, I always say.

That’s just how I found myself yesterday afternoon, running frantically across the bridge, watching people slowly board the bus beneath me. I pushed people out of the way, I yelled at the bus to wait, but the bus started pulling away. At the last minute, someone at the back of the bus saw me, and we made eye contact. It was another student, my age, perhaps a bit older, leaning his head against the window. He had probably gotten on at the previous stop. This Good Samaritan jumped up out of his seat, and shouted at the driver to stop. The driver obliged, and stopped, opening the doors with a hydraulic hiss. I hopped on before the door was fully open, and the driver pulled away again before I had even made it up the three steps.

After paying the driver and trudging down the aisle, I walked past the student who had saved me from twenty minutes of waiting for the next bus, and we again made eye contact. He had the self-satisfied smirk of someone who had done a good deed. I smiled, and discreetly nodded to him in thanks. He acknowledged the smile and the nod with a similar gesture, and returned to his window pane, closing his eyes. I sat down in the unoccupied double seat behind him and started to catch my breath as the bus slowed down at the next stop.

At the next stop a similar drama played itself out. Five or six people shuffled onto the bus, and, off in the distance, I saw a young girl running to catch the bus. Again, the bus began pulling away and the girl ran to catch up. I could see a small pile of books clutched precariously in one hand, and a large bag slung over her other shoulder. I looked around. The do-gooder in front of me seemed asleep, and there was nobody else at the back of the bus. I was the only one who saw her. As the bus began to merge with the traffic, I felt a guilty voice whispering in the back of my head, it’s not too late, tell the driver to stop. The girl was only a few feet away from the bus, and she could definitely see that I saw her. We made eye contact. I looked into her eyes, and I could feel as though she was the sort of person who would unthinkingly help a stranger catch the bus. She would have made a good match for the sleeping boy in the seat ahead of me.

I leaned my head against the glass, and closed my eyes. I was tired, and I had an hour that I could sleep.

The Knockout Blow

2006-09-03T15:52:00.002+03:00

I just bought two closets for my parent’s apartment from somebody they found on Janglo. In a true Salla Shabati moment, the people dropped off the closet in the parking lot, took the money, and left before I realized that I’m going to have to figure out some way to get these monsters up the stairs.

I have a thought on this “victory in points,” that we just scored in Lebanon. If I were to fight Mike Tyson in the ring, last 15 rounds, but lose to him “on points,” I would consider that a victory, even if, technically, I was the loser. (How lame was that at the end of Cinderella Man where he wins the fight on points? They should have deviated from the true story. Who wants to watch a boxing movie wher somebody doesn’t go down?) I also don’t think Mike Tyson would run around bragging about how he beat me in a victory on points. Though honestly, I would just be thankful he didn’t go to town on my ear.

So what we have here is essentially a draw, but in a fight where Israel needed a win to win, and Hizbullah just needed to avoid the loss. In that sense, we lost. Even if, really, we won. It’s complicated.

Bad Posts

2006-09-02T21:29:00.001+03:00

I've written and deleted at least five posts in the past few weeks, being unhappy with the way each one came out. I don't know what it is, maybe writers block, maybe just having a job now prevents me from blogging successfully (being unemployed seems to be a prerequisite for successful blogging), or maybe I just haven't been in the mood. I might take a couple of weeks off.

Small Change

2006-08-10T06:18:00.001+03:00

In case anyone was wondering (and you know you all were) how much money was in that loose change dish (bucket, really) that's been sitting on my desk for two years, I just counted. Apparently, that habit I'd developed of throwing my loose change in a dish at the end of every day pays off. 824.45 shek. And that's not even including the 200 I took out of there to pay for one of the apartment parties. I was kind of hoping it'd hit a thousand, but I'll take the eight hundred and change. Any ideas on what I should buy?

Put Your Lives Where Your Mouth Is

2006-08-01T21:00:00.001+03:00

I think that anyone who thinks that Israel needs to be tougher, and fight to the bitter end in Lebanon, no matter what the casualties are, needs to make aliya and join the army themselves.

Alternatively, those who think Israel should cease all military activity and negotiate with the terrorists of Lebanon and Gaza, need to move to Sderot or Nahariya.

Ethics of Star Wars

2006-07-31T17:14:00.001+03:00

I was watching Empire Strikes Back the other day, and something one of the characters said struck me. Chewie is choking Lando, who’s trying to gasp out “Han! There’s still a chance to save Han!” Chewie finally lets him go, and off they go, running to save Han. While Lando crouches, trying to recover, Threepio (who is half assembled, and strapped onto Chewie’s back) shouts out “Don’t blame him! After all, he’s only a wookie!”

Only a wookie? It struck me as a little racist. Or, more accurately, speciesict. Who’s to say one species of aliens is preferred over another? Let’s say, for example, all the Star Wars characters were stranded on a desert island somewhere. Would it be wrong for them to kill Chewbacca and eat him? What makes him different than, say, a cow. How do people who live in a multi-species universe decide which ones are “people,” which ones are “food,” and which ones are lesser species; not food, but “only a wookie.” Even Luke used to bulls eye womp-rats in his T-16 back home. Why isn’t that murder?

Running for Her Life

2006-07-26T21:56:00.001+03:00

There have been alot of videos floating around YouTube about the Katyusha attacks on Haifa and other cities in the north. Most of them are videos people took while looking out of their windows; you hear a siren, a bang, and sometimes see a pillar of smoke. This one is different, and I think the most powerful.

Dating Do's and Don'ts

2006-07-24T01:28:00.001+03:00

Golly, it sure must have been swell to grow up in the fifties.

I especially like the part where you're not supposed to go out with any girl unless she scarfs down cotton candy like a pig.

For some reason, I'm reminded of the ELAL pre-flight safety cartoon when I watch this. Maybe it's just the music.

Katyusha's Clear Song

2006-07-18T00:46:00.001+03:00

Apple trees and pears were in blossom
On the river hung the morning mist
Young Katyusha stepped up on the high bank,
Of the river steep bank in the mist.

On the bank Katyusha started singing
Of a proud grey eagle of the steppe,
Of the one Katyusha loved so deeply,
Of the one whose letters she has kept

Oh, you song, you bright song of a maiden
Fly you by the sun, fly like a bird
To the soldier on faraway border
From Katyusha bring a greeting word.

Let him think of simple native maiden,
Let him hear Katyusha's clear song
He will guard the land of dear homeland
And their love Katyusha will keep strong.

Apple trees and pears were in blossom
On the river hung the morning mist
Young Katyusha stepped up on the high bank,
Of the river steep bank in the mist

This song was written in 1938, and first sung by Lidiya Ruslanova for Russian soldiers on the front. Try listening to it; it sounds a lot like the old Israeli folk songs. It’s about a young girl, Catharine, nicknamed Katyusha. The song became so popular with the Russian soldiers who fought World War Two, that the Russians named their new missile (which had actually been around since 1936) the Katyusha. All Russian rocket artillery from then on carried the same nickname, including the ones we’re facing in Lebanon now.

Reading the English translation of the song, I really picture it not as a love song, but as an actual song about a missile. It really conjures up images – at least in my mind – of rockets flying through the air with “Fly you by the sun, fly like a bird To the soldier on the faraway border,” and of rockets screaming down with “Katyusha’s clear song.” It’s very prophetic, or I guess that’s just what the Russians had in mind when they named their rockets after this song.

A Question

2006-07-10T00:31:00.000+03:00

Is it unethical to sell someone something he already has? What if it's something that's readily available for free?

Crappy Post

2006-06-22T01:09:00.000+03:00

Hi! Miss me? I haven’t had internet in a while. I moved to Jerusalem, started a job, and have generally been very busy. I only just got internet in this apartment a few days ago. I even considered leaving that last post up as my last one, and closing down the blog. But… I decided against it. So here I am again, blogging better than usual! Well, maybe not better than usual, because this one kind of sucked, and it’s about to end. I’ll have a better one up in a few days, I promise.

To All Who Don't Understand

2006-05-31T14:10:00.000+03:00

When is the right time to make aliya? I guess you could say I’m paying for my decision to make aliya early. Already, I have friends who I thought I was leaving behind coming to make aliya. They’re mostly all better off than me, and have started with their lives. Most of my friends from high school (the 20% who aren’t in kollel), have one or two degrees, stable jobs, in some cases great jobs, houses, wives and children. I’m still in university, and will be for the better part of the next two years. And that’s just for a bachelor degree.

Needless to say, had I waited to make aliya, things would definitely be easier. In fact, I think that any person considering aliya, looking at his or her present situation, will always find evidence for pushing off aliya by another year or two (or ten). I don’t think there’s any stage in life where it wouldn’t be beneficial to wait. If you’re just out of high school, then it’s definitely advantageous to get a degree first. Making aliya with a degree is a whole new world over making one without, and roughing it in an Israeli university. If you already have a degree, why not wait until you have an MA, or an MBA? Israeli companies salivate over the prospect of an American MBA, and there’s always the option of telecommuting for an American company, an option much more feasible with a US degree. If you have an MA or an MBA, why not wait a couple of years to build up a nest egg? You can make more in a year in America than you can save in five in Israel. You might also want to get married in America. Why risk the Israeli singles scene? The American singles scene is something you understand, or even enjoy. What compares to the Upper West Side? Certainly not Katemon. On the UWS you can find a mate who compliments your American background, and who wants to make Aliya. After all, she told you so on the first date! You put together a five year plan, to save up money. Now you’re comfortable in Queens, you’re making money, you’re saving money, and you realize you can even start having kids and still save money. So why not? Have a kid or two.

At this point you’re thirty-two and you’ve got two kids. Maybe you’ve got another one on the way. Do you really think you’re still making aliya? (I mean, maybe you are. But you’re in the minority. Let’s not delude ourselves here.) To your horror (or perhaps bemused acknowledgement) everything you’ve accumulated in preparation for aliya has become an anchor to life in America. You love your job. You love your community. You love your wife, who’s beginning to have second thoughts about relocating. You love your kids, and you don’t relish the thought of them having to start school over in another language. You played all your cards right, and looked at the situation rationally at each and every stage, and decided every time that even though you definitely want to make aliya, it would simply be irresponsible to do so at this stage in your life, and you need another year or two of prep. And you were right every time! So where did you go wrong?

I’ll tell you were you went wrong. You went wrong because you simply want to make aliya. You don’t need to. It doesn’t hurt to stay in America. It doesn’t pain you when the plane takes off at the end of your yearly vacation in Israel. Living in America doesn’t make you feel like a fish out of water. And I don’t mean “fish out of water,” in the general, uneasy-feeling like you don’t belong sense. I mean the actual gasping for breath, dying because you’re in a hostile environment sense. If you did, you wouldn’t stay for a degree, you wouldn’t stay for money, and you wouldn’t even stay for love. After all, a fish can only love another fish. He doesn’t belong with the mammals. He doesn’t need to rationalize jumping back in the water. He simply has to, and damn the consequences.

Capital of Poland Before 1600

2006-05-18T00:13:00.002+03:00

Looking for the answer? Read on...

I can’t curl my left fist into the gun shape. You know, the pointer finger extended outward, the thumb up? And every time you “shoot,” you push down the thumb even though that isn’t at all the way a gun shoots? So yeah, that. I can’t do it. I haven’t been able to do it, for as long as I can remember. For some reason, whenever I try, my pinkie finger sticks out, at a ninety degree angle from my hand. Just straight out there, as if without a care in the world. It looks stupid. (My right hand can do it with no problems). If I force the finger down, I can sort of wedge it under the ring finger and have it stay down, but I can’t accomplish it without manual assistance form the other hand.

I can’t think of any possible consequence this may have on my life.

SPECIAL NOTE - I notice that many people reach this post by way of google, because they're looking for what the capital of poland in 1600 was. You must be dissapointed reaching this page and not getting the answer, so I'll help you out - The capital of Poland until 1600 was Krakow, and the joke in Calvin and Hobbes is that Suzie asks Calvin during a test, Calvin clearly doesn't know the answer, but is engrossed in a daydream and accidentally gives her the right answer. This post is about my inability to make the gun gestures that Calvin makes in that strip. Case closed. As thanks, you can click my ads, or buy this great complete collection of Calvin and Hobbes - a must for any fan.

Marlon Brando and Lag Ba'omer

2006-05-17T02:05:00.000+03:00

A few years ago, I made a bet with a friend of mine over how long Marlon Brando was going to live. My friend said he wasn’t going to last out the year, and I had faith in the Godfather’s health. Brando lived, I won, and the twenty shekel was mine. I got greedy, though, and we went double or nothing for the next year. Sure enough, a couple of months before the end, good old Marlon kicked the bucket, and I lost my hard-earned twenty shekel.

I saw this friend again at a wedding tonight, and we decided to make another bet. This time the subject is me (though thankfully, not in death). I bet him that I could be engaged within a year, and he took that bet without hesitation (actually, his reaction was something like “a year? I’ll take that bet for any period of time…”). His faith in me was somewhat underwhelming. So here I am, without a girlfriend or even prospects on the horizon, with 364 days to go until next year, Lag Ba’omer. Wish me luck.

In other Menachem-related betting news, me and David are still neck and neck in our ongoing 50 shekel Omer-with-a-bracha bet.

Funny Accents

2006-05-16T10:30:00.000+03:00

You could waste a whole day listening to these.

Bonfire of the Vanities

2006-05-16T01:24:00.000+03:00

What’s the point of Lag Ba’omer? Like, seriously, what does it commemorate? What does it celebrate? The day Rabbi Akiva’s students stopped dying? That doesn’t really make sense.

Rabbi Akiva had, near as I can tell 24,005 students. From Pesach until Lag Ba’omer, 24,000 of them died. So we have this big celebration on the day they stopped dying? If 99.98% of your students died of plague in a 33 day period, would you go out and celebrate with bonfires? (Bonfires? Where in our religion do we have that? Or anything remotely like that? It seems very pagan to me).

The Answer

2006-05-08T16:15:00.000+03:00

The answer is, and nobody is going to like it, that there is no such thing as a “terrorist.” There are “good guys,” and there are “bad guys.” In the fight against evil, all weapons and methods of battle are valid; be they nuclear missiles, carpet bombing, wiping out Amalek, suicide attacks, or a rifle shot. All these weapons are “terrorism,” when wielded by an enemy, fighting for an immoral goal. We tend to give the bad guys a break, and give them certain allowances. We allow them to fight on the fields of battle, in a declared war. They can use all types of conventional weapons. But once they break the rules (or, “Geneva Conventions”) we brand them for what they are, terrorists.

This definition doesn’t work at all from a post-modern relativist standpoint, in fact it screams out against it. Dubya would probably like it.

The reason there has been so much terrorism in the world lately, is because the “good guys” have become so strong that the enemy has to resort to asymmetrical warfare. I think that, in this light, the prevalence of terrorism in the world today can be seen as a good thing, or at least something with a silver lining. Terrorism is a symptom of the weakness of evil in the world today. (As opposed to Nazi Germany, which didn’t resort to terrorism (by today’s standards) precisely because it was so strong.)

T for Terrorist

2006-05-01T10:47:00.000+03:00

Remember, remember, the fifth of November…

While you don’t need to be familiar with British history to enjoy V for Vendetta, it certainly helps. The movie starts off with a short scene from 1605, as Guy Fawkes is caught trying to blow up the parliament building in London, and executed shortly thereafter. What was then known as the “gunpowder plot,” is commemorated every year in England on Guy Fawkes day, November 5^th.

The antagonist of V for Vendetta shares little with Guy Fawkes, who may have been the world’s first religious fundamentalist terrorist. Or was he? A lot of the debate surrounding this film is because it supposedly glorifies terrorism. V, the ‘terrorist,’ fights the ‘freedom fighter’s’ fight against an oppressive government. At least, that’s what people are saying.

So what exactly is terrorism? I think it has something to do with indiscriminate killing of non-combatants, for starters. That would include suicide bombings in civilian centers. What it would not include would be suicide bombings on military bases, or soldiers. Some might say that any suicide attack is terrorism. Would that include kamikaze pilots in World War Two? What about shooting attacks on soldiers on guard duty? What about off-duty soldiers? Any definition that the media comes up with (and they really need to come up with one soon, an industry standard.) is going to have to be consistant. I’ve made up a “terrorism labeling test,” here (for lack of a better name). Let’s plug in a definition and see what happens.

Let’s start with this simple definition: “Terrorism is the indiscriminate targeting and killing of non-combatants.”

Now, let’s run that through some test examples:

1) The Sbarro bombing. Definitely fits. Civilians were targeted, indiscriminately.

2) September 11^th WTC attack. Also works. They just wanted the highest number of kills possible. They also attacked a symbol, the World Trade Center, which isn’t really relevant to this definition, but we might want to keep it in mind if we want to refine it.

3) September 11^th Pentagon attack. This one’s tricky. The Pentagon is a military target, and the civilians on the plane itself could be construed as collateral damage. We either need to change this definition of terrorism, or accept this attack as a legitimate military action.

4) The Allied bombing of Dresden in World War Two. Hmm… now we’re getting controversial. Dresden had no military targets. According to this definition, the USAF and the RAF were terrorists, clear and simple. We may need to go back and change something if we want to avoid condemning the Allied air forces.

5) An Israeli rocket attack that kills a wanted terrorist and two bystanders. Obviously, the targeted killing itself isn’t terrorism according to our current definition, but what about the bystanders? Again, collateral damage, but how far does this go? What if we launched a rocket that killed the terrorist and ten civilians? How about the terrorist and a hundred civilians? When does collateral damage become unacceptable and turn into terrorism?

6) The EZL and Haganah blowing up the King David Hotel. This probably escaped the terrorism label here. Even though many civilians were killed, the target was the headquarters of the British Army in Palestine, and if anyone should be at fault for the civilian deaths is was the British. Also, they telephoned in with a warning long before the explosion.

7) A Palestinian sniper attack on a soldier at a checkpost. This is actually the closest thing here to a legitimate act of war; a soldier attacking and killing another soldier.

I think the average Israeli, or even the average Westerner, would want 1,2, 3 and maybe 7 to be labeled terrorism, while 4, 5, and 6 should remain legitimate acts of war. But how can you label something to fit only those first three, and none of the last? I think we made need to introduce additional elements to our definition. For example, something about the terrorists themselves using civilian garb as cover, and not fighting in uniform might be in order. Also, a distinction needs to be made (if there is a distinction to be made) between targeting civilians, and executing military strikes where you know with certainty that there will be collateral civilian deaths. But I’ll leave it up to you.

Here’s my challenge. Define terrorism in one or two sentences. Then run it through these seven test cases, be completely honest with yourself, and publish the result, either on your blog, or in my comment space (but if you do it in your blog, let us know, and provide a link here). I'll alter my definition here, and put up a new one soon, too. I’m going to “tag” to do this (but it’s open to anyone) David, Regreg, Umar, OC and OY, and mousetrap84, as her triumphant return to the blogging world.

Update: I want to add an eighth test case to run the definitions through. In 1943, Warsaw Ghetto fighters resisted the Nazis, and controlled the Ghetto for about 4 months. During that time, the non-uniformed resisters carried out attacks on German troops, and executed reprisal attacks on Jews that had been collaborating with the Nazis.

Key points here: They had no uniforms, fought for no country, and executed civilians in addition to fighting the Germans.

Obviously, I don’t think that the Warsaw Ghetto fighters were terrorists, and I don’t think anyone will debate that. However, there’s no doubt that the German High Command at the time considered them as such. Prove them wrong.

Yom HaShoa II

2006-04-25T14:41:00.000+03:00

Well, I'm not really in the mood to write anything about Yom Hashoa, but this was a pretty good post. The comment thread is unusually insightful, as well.

I'm not going to go back and copy-edit something I wrote a year ago, but know that when I wrote the '27th of pesach,' I probably meant the '27th of Nissan.'

Here's a "cause and effect" question for you, though: Did the Ghetto uprising allow Jews to see their own strength, and cause (or contribute to) the War of Independence? Or did half a century of Zionism give strength to the fighters, and allow them to resist the Nazis?

Talking in the Bathroom

2006-04-24T12:22:00.000+03:00

I went to a movie last week with David (V for Vendetta. I will be blogging about it). So, we got there a little early, and we both had to go to the bathroom. Now, usually, the rule is the opposite for guys than what it is for girls. Guys go to the bathroom one at a time, and if they see someone there they know, no conversation. Two notable exceptions to this rule are yeshiva and movie theaters.

In yeshiva, the bathroom is a place to hang out. You go, you talk, you schmooze, and you don’t need to worry about Rabbis, because usually they have their own little bathrooms that they go to, or they’re like Pharaoh, and go at dawn so no-one can see them.

Movie theatres have evolved to be exceptions to the rule due to force of circumstance. You always need to go to the bathroom after a movie, and you always want to discuss the movie. So you discuss it in the bathroom. The men’s bathroom also allows us to discuss the parts of the movie that we want to discuss without the women present.

Back to our story: We were standing there, peeing (The urinal rule is well known, though often ignored by Israelis. One must always have a “buffer” urinal between yourself and any other pee-ee. Still, conversation is prohibited during actual pee-time, unless there is a partition, or three or more buffer-urinals) and talking. The conversation went something like this:

Me: I wonder how they decided on porcelain as the best material for urinals. Does it really have the best “low bounce-back,” quality?

David: I guess they just made a bunch of different urinals out of all available materials, and porcelain performed the best.

We continued on in this vein until, at some point, one of the stall doors behind us swung open, and a girl stood there in the doorway. She said, in English, “Oh my God, I am so sorry, I didn’t know this was the boy’s bathroom,” and ran out, without washing her hands.

Now, two obvious questions. One, why didn’t she just wait until we finished? Two, if she was so eager to leave, why wait until that point in the conversation?

No Really - Questionable Halachik Practices

2006-04-20T13:40:00.000+03:00

First, a shout out to all my one-day peeps out there in chutz-la’aretz, reading this while locked away in their rooms, waiting for the chag to end for everyone else. Word.

Next, for those of you still waiting on the burning vodka burning issue (yes… that made sense), well, it burned. Not as well as I would have liked, though. The vodka didn’t catch on and burn, but it did make the cup slightly more flammable, and the whole thing went down.

Yesterday I went to the kotel. I guess that’s not so amazing in and of itself, but I walked there from giv’at masua, and then I walked back. It took an hour and a half one way, and an hour and three quarters the way back. I have blisters on my toes. All in all, it felt pretty good, though. Like I was back in the army again.

At the kotel, I saw a couple of chareidim smoking. The exception for smoking on chag is something I’ve been aware of for pretty much as long as I’ve been aware of chag itself. I can remember old men smoking outside of my shul in Brooklyn, and I was seven when we moved away from there. It still strikes me as weird, though, and somehow wrong. What is definitely wrong is what these guys were doing. I don’t know if you’ve been to the kotel recently or not, but they’ve tripled all the kotel rabbinate signs that detail what you are and are not allowed to do. You know, they say “Please respect the sanctity of this holy place by refraining from smoking, talking on cell phones, and taking pictures on the Sabbath and Holy days,” or something like that. So here were these two guys, in their full chareidi garb, smoking away, right next to the sign saying you can’t do that. To the Christian tourist from Boise, Idaho, it looks like they have no respect for the rules, so why should he refrain from talking on the phone or taking pictures?

We had the same problem in the army, with beinishim who knew halacha and broke a lot of the strict kashrut rules in the kitchen, because they knew what was real, and what was just an extra preventive rule. But then what about the Russian kitchen worker who goes out of his way to make sure everything’s kosher according to the army (even though he eats pork when he goes home), who then sees the guys he thinks he’s doing this for breaking all the same rules?

Questionable Halachik Practices

2006-04-12T04:46:00.000+03:00

B’dkat chametz was a little… different this year. I’m the only one left in the apartment, so I did it myself. When I wanted to get started, however, I realized that I didn’t have any bread to use. So I started rummaging around looking for other types of chametz. I settled on vodka. I filled ten shot glasses with vodka, spread them around the apartment, and started searching for them with a tea lamp. As I got to each one, I spilled it out into a scrubs cup. Tomorrow I guess I’ll set the whole thing on fire. Vodka burns, right? Maybe I’ll have to soak a rag in it or something. Or set the cup itself on fire. I’ll let you (all five of my loyal readers) know. Happy and Kosher Pesach.

Odd

2006-04-05T16:52:00.000+03:00

Where the hell did this come from?

Miami-Dade, Galil

2006-04-03T02:01:00.000+03:00

Apparently, some of the elderly Galili Arabs were confused by the "butterfly ballot." Labor loses a seat, and the Arabs go up by one. Votes for one of the Arab parties were mistakenly counted for Pat Buchanan. I'm not sure if this is good for the Jews or bad for the Jews. Good, because this means that the dreaded Kadima - Labor - Meretz - Gil coalition can't happen. Bad, because really, who wants another Arab in the Knesset? That can't be a good thing. Like J.D., I'll wait and see.

Coalition Predictions

2006-04-02T00:52:00.000+03:00

Election predictions are stupid. It’s impossible to know who’s going to win because the polls are not to be trusted (obviously) and until voting day, you can’t ask every single voter who they want.

What you can do, after the elections, is make coalition predictions. The Knesset has 120 seats, and they have all been divvied up, based on Tuesday’s outcome. The prime minister (presumably Olmert, but actually anyone who is able to pull it off) is the leader of the party that can put together a 61 seat government.

Possibility number one: Kadima, Labor, Meretz, and Gil for 61 seats.

This is the one we were all scared of before the election. Kadima goes left for support for its disengagement agenda. Labor gets onboard in exchange for the Treasury, Gil gets on board in exchange for a new ministry, “Old People rights,” or whatever. Meretz probably takes Justice.

The problem with this is threefold; Olmert wants a center coalition, without being the rightmost party. He probably doesn’t want Meretz anywhere near him, for fear of driving away the base he stole from the Likud. He really doesn’t want Peretz at the helm of the Treasury. Also, this is the weakest coalition possible. Any one of the three partners could topple it. He’ll only fall back on this option if all else fails.

Possibility number two: Kadima, Shas, Israel Beitenu, UTJ, and Gil for 65 seats.

This one is tempered a bit to the right. Olmert appeals to the right-leaning parties that have shown possibilities for compromise. Gil’s votes are available for hire, as they’ve made clear, and Shas and UTJ are open to bribes in the form of child allowances and yeshiva budgets (I know it doesn’t sound so sinister, but it is). Leiberman at Israel Beitenu is the wild card here. Olmert would have to significantly change his plans for disengagements to appease him, but it would still take place. Leiberman would benefit greatly by being in the government, establishing his party as a force to be reckoned with, and possibly taking the place of the Likud in the next election. Shas gets education, Israel Beitenu gets foreign ministry or finance, UTJ gets justice. Gil gets their social service agenda. I would very much like to see this happen, but I don’t give it much hope.

Possibility number three: Likud, Shas, Israel Beitenu, UTJ, NRP/NU, Gil, and three defectors from Kadima for 61 seats.

Not going to happen. Stop praying.

Possibility number four: Kadima, Labor, Shas, UTJ and Gil for 74 seats.

This is most likely to happen. Olmert gets his way in disengagements, but has to compromise on social and economic issues. He increases taxes to support the unemployed (for Labor), the old (for Gil), the kollels (for UTJ), and the superstitious (for Shas). The great benefit of this is that aside from the major partner (Labor), Olmert can piss off any one of the three minor partners, watch them leave the government, and still keep things stable.

My prediction: new elections in 18 months.

Grey Dawn

2006-03-30T01:15:00.000+02:00

Well, it’s official. We’re screwed. We’re screwed so bad, in fact, that it’s pretty funny. I think the only parties not upset about the results are Labor, Shas, and the Old People’s Party (the OPP). And frankly, if there’s ever a situation where Labor, Shas, and old people are happy, you’d better worry.

This election marks the lowest voter turnout ever. Elections have always been in the 90% - 80% range, dipping to 78%-ish in the 90’s. The last election had a 67% turnout, and this one was about 63%. It’s not true that the low turnout hurts the left. A low turnout hurts everybody.

When I was in the fifth grade, we had a mock election in the classroom. That year was Bush (Sr.) vs. Clinton, and our teacher made us all write our votes on a piece of paper, and she had one of us volunteer to pick the slips of paper out of a hat and mark the votes on the blackboard. It was all very meaningless, of course, because none of us knew anything about either candidate, or politics. We were just picking names. I took my pencil, and – I remember this very clearly – wrote “Who cares, they’re all the same jerks,” on my slip of paper. I don’t know where I picked that up from; I wasn’t a very politically astute fifth grader, I was probably just repeating something I had heard at home. I passed my vote up to the kid in the seat ahead of me, and he looked at my vote (so much for a secret election), and turned around with a look of horror on his face.

“You’re going to get in trouble! You can’t turn this in!”

“How will she know it’s me?” I said. And so he passed it forward.

During the short time before she had one of us read the votes, I began getting very scared. What if she recognized the handwriting? What if she figured out it was me? What if I got sent to the principal? What if she called my parents? What if they suspended me? I had an active imagination.

When they started pulling out the votes, everything progressed more or less normally. One for Bush, one for Clinton. I think Clinton had the lead. Suddenly, in the middle, the kid pulled out a vote, frowns, and showed it to the teacher. I slunk down in my seat as far as I could go. The kid in front of me turned around and looked at me with a sort of “Wow, you’re going to hell, you’re really dumb,” look. The teacher looked around at the class, and told the vote-counter to continue, and that she would deal with it. I knew I was screwed.

Finally, after the final tally, the teacher help out my voting slip and said: “Who wrote this?”

No answer.

The she read it out loud. There was a collective gasp from the class. Who would dare write something like that? Then she gave a whole speech about how voter apathy like this is a terrible thing and how if nobody voted, the communists would take over. I never really understood the mechanics of how that would work (some sort of deal with the Soviet Union? “Voting population ever drops below 40%, you boys take over…”), but in 1992, communists were still a very scary thing. Say communist, and you would think Stalin, the KGB, and Siberia (unlike now, where it’s bearded crazy men, with funny green hats speaking Spanish). All I really cared about at the time, however, was that she not find out it was me (she didn’t).

She was wrong, though. Communists would not take over. Socialists would. Here we have the lowest ever turnout, and 40 seats handed over to the socialists (I’m counting the OPP, Labor, and Shas. I’m not even counting the actual communist Arab party. UTJ is also borderline.)

B’kitzur (and I can say that without being yeshivish, cause I’m Israeli) this country is going straight down the toilet.

The Gimlayim

2006-03-29T02:48:00.000+02:00

What the hell just happened? In a sudden coup, my government's been taken over by old people.

Interesting to note here, that the parties that did really well in these elections are the ones that ran on social platforms. I think Likud should have focused more on their economic plans, which were anyways much more substantial than their security plans.

Thank You For Smoking

2006-03-15T15:21:00.000+02:00

I just have to see this movie. I just hope they don't ruin it by having the protagonist learn some "lesson," or "message." It has so much potential.

Lets play 29 Questions

2006-03-07T03:26:00.000+02:00

I hate you David. These things are worse than chain emails. But I guess I have to answer all the questions, or I’ll get run over by a cement mixer, or something. Here goes:

1) Who is the fourth person on your received-call list?

Interestingly enough, it’s David.

2) What’s your ringtone?

Popcorn. Yes, the crazy-frog niggun.

3) What were you doing midnight last night?

Not writing my paper. Not doing something else, not writing my paper, but actively “not writing my paper.”

4) What did the last text message on your cell phone say?

“You want to see Thomas Capote Tuesday night?” from Amitai Blikstein.

I wonder if Thomas is related to Truman…

5) Whose bed did you sleep in last night?

Oooh, a loaded question. This has potential for making things interesting. In someone else’s life, though, not mine. I slept in my own bed.

6) What color shirt are you wearing?

It’s a white T-shirt. But I’m getting ready for bed, so I guess it doesn’t count. I wore a brown button down shirt today. It was Gap. It says “relaxed” on the inside of the collar. Does that mean the shirt is relaxed, or that I’m relaxed? Either way, the shirt has been to Bangladesh and I haven’t.

7) What’s the most recent movie that you’ve watched?

Shawn of the Dead. So awesome.

8) Name three things you have on you at all times:

Wallet, Cell phone, Key ring. On the key ring are five keys. Building key to the Nachlaot apt I left nearly two years ago, apartment key to said apartment, door to the roof key to said building, a key to my current apartment, and a fifth “mystery” key that I have no idea what it opens.

9) What color are your bed sheets? Light blue, with dark blue stripes. Or, just as easily; dark blue, with light blue stripes. Really, it’s a sheet with dark and light blue stripes.

10) How much cash do you have on you right now?

Well, let me check. 85 US dollars, and 970 shekels. Ok, that’s a bit much. The dollars are from last week, when I got back from America. I deposited about 2000 shek to cover the check I had given my landlord the previous day (woops) and I tried to get this converted to shekel and put in the account as well. When I tried to do it, though, the teller leaned forward and whispered “You’re really better off doing that at one of the black market places.” Thanks for the tip. The 970 shek I have on me now is because I just got paid back in cash today for covering my roommate’s rent.

11) What is your favorite part of the chicken?

Definitely the schnitzel.

12) What is your favorite town/city?

Town slash city? Wow, I know so many town slash cities, it’s hard to choose. Probably Joe, Montana. Never been there.

13) I can’t wait to:

Oh, this is easy. After 7 years, I can’t wait to finish college.

14) When was the last time you saw your mom?

Last Sunday.

15) When was the last time you saw your dad?

Last Sunday

16) When was the last time you spoke to them?

Not sure… I spoke to them on Friday, and I think one of them called me while I was sleeping this morning. I’m pretty sure I answered.

17) What did you have for dinner last night?

Pizza, followed by a late night mana chama.

18) How long have you been at your current job?

Intentionally left blank.

19) Look to your left. What’s there?

A polar bear. Ha! Just kidding. It’s a big blue wall. I’m next to the plug. There’s a white extension cord plugged in, Exciting, no?

20) Who is the last person you spent over 50 bucks on?

My landlord.

21) What’s the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone?

I borrowed a coat from David on a shabbat a few months ago.

22) What website do you visit most?

http://www.bttf.com/travel.htm

23) Do you have an air freshener in your car?

This quiz is making a lot of assumptions.

24) Do you have plants in your room?

Well, there’s something growing.

25) Does anything in your body hurt right now?

My back kinda hurts.

26) Do you own a camera phone?

Yes. It’s useless.

27) What’s your favorite Starbucks drink.

I don’t know, but the ones in Manhattan have the delicious pastries with a hechsher on them!

28) When was the most recent time you were really upset?

I sat next to a guy on the plane that was so fat that he took up half of my seat. I spent half the flight in the bathroom, reading a book and listening to my new iPod (which I love!).

29) Have you ever been in love?

Does pizza count?

Sara Q, you’ve just been tagged. Watch out for cement mixers.

Anti-Social Behavior

2006-03-02T00:04:00.000+02:00

So I “forgot” to pay my phone bill when I was back in America, and now my phone doesn’t make outgoing calls or send text messages anymore. It still receives calls, which seems weird to me, but I guess it makes sense, because incoming calls are free anyways, right?

You may ask me, “But Menachem, wait a minute! (or Mendy, depends on when you know me from… or whether or not you want me to kick your ass) Haven’t you been home already for three days?” Excellent question, my friend. Here are some possible answers.

First and most likely: I am a procrastinator, and haven’t yet gotten around to feeling like thinking about possibly paying my bill.

Second: I am cheap. Why should I spend money calling you when you can call me just fine?

Third: It feels great. Honestly, I love it. I haven’t been this disconnected from the world since basic training. People who want to call me, that’s fine and I answer the phone, but I’m not calling anyone, and I haven’t picked up the phone to call anyone since I got back (Except to call America, but that was on the girls’ American line, and I didn’t pay for it, so it doesn’t count.) I can’t even pick up messages. For that matter, I can’t even change my answering machine back from “I’m in America, I’ll be back at the end of the month.” I wonder if I’m losing friends, though. I’ll probably cave by next week, or possibly even before Shabbat. It does feel great, though. What a shame.

Post Number 50!

2006-03-01T18:24:00.000+02:00

Sorry I haven’t blogged in a while, I’m recovering from a horrific ski jump jousting accident. Apparently, it’s dangerous.

I just wanted to share a great headline from the Onion: “Philippine mud wins in a landslide.” Classic.

Ski Jump Jousting

2006-02-21T00:23:00.000+02:00

New sport idea: Ski jump jousting. Two ski jump ramps are built, facing each other. Two jumpers, at the same time, jump off in each other's direction. Each one is holding a long pole, and possibly a shield, but I think the shield may be superfluous (I've never actually tried it). They both try to hit each other with the lances, and try to avoid getting hit themselves (or deflecting their opponent's attack with their shield). You get a point if you land upright and the other tumbles (or is impaled).

Remember folks, you read it here first.

Insulting Strangers

2006-02-17T16:38:00.000+02:00

Who the hell are these people and why would they not invite me to a shabbas meal? they link-trashed me in July, and I never found out about it until now... Does anybody know them?

Spoilers

2006-02-17T00:07:00.000+02:00

I just saw “Glory” on TV this morning. Interesting movie; much different than when I first saw it as a kid. It features a horribly miscast Matthew Broderick as the colonel commanding a brigade of black troops in the civil war. It also has the guy who played Wesley in the princess bride as his gruff and slightly rebellious in a sort of these-negros’ll-never-learn-to-fight sort of way executive officer. Morgan Freeman and Denzel Washington are cast well, I guess because they’re, well, black. In the end, everybody dies. Also, Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father.

Maybe the only casting mistake worse than Ferris Bueller as a civil war colonel is casting the Incredible Hulk as the leader of a Mossad hit team. Yes, Eric Bana in Munich. The movie absolutely refused to take a stand on any issue, and had no vision whatsoever. I frankly would have preferred it to be far left peacenik than the bland nothing that it was. It was more insulting than anything, in the amateurishness of the assassination squad. And the whole subplot with the anonymous French intelligence company supplying them with information was as non sequteor as the French plantation scene was in the remake of Apocalypse Now. It’ll win an Oscar for editing, though. The editing was really great. Except for the three hours that they forgot to edit and left in the movie. Other than that, really fantastic job. Oh, and Bruce Willis is a ghost.

I’m writing this as Moonraker is on TV. Moonraker was always one of my favorite James Bond movies when I was a kid, but now it really sucks. I do like this Bond girl’s name though. Doctor Goodhead. Perhaps miniskirts aren’t the best clothes to be wearing in space. I never realized how campy the old 007 movies were.

To those of you wondering, my time in America is well spent indeed.

Giant Summit

2006-02-15T05:10:00.000+02:00

Great article, right up until the line about six digit protection numbers.... Too far, Onion, too far.

Why I am not a Socialist

2006-01-24T01:29:00.000+02:00

What makes a society fair? Back in the day, merit was determined by parentage, and the world lived in a class-based society. It was either impossible or extremely hard to move vertically. Of course, we’re more civilized now, and we’ve moved past that, right? It’s no longer fair to award somebody based on something as simple as his parent’s position. People now are judged based on merit; smart and hard-working people are ones most valued by society, and most often the ones rewarded.

But what makes that any more fair? What’s the difference between telling somebody “I am going to give you this job because of who your parents are, even though you had nothing to do with that,” and telling somebody “I am going to give you this job because you’re lucky enough to have been born smarter than all the other applicants?” Or a predisposition to working hard? Why reward somebody for having an upbringing that encourages hard work? Is he less deserving that one who comes from a lazy background?

Of course, if we took that argument to its natural conclusion, we’d all end up like Harrison Bergeron.

Blonde Joke

2006-01-15T20:22:00.000+02:00

Ok, I feel like I'm really lowering the level of discourse here on my blog, but I found what I think is the absolute best blonde joke ever written. Because I don't believe in posting jokes, I'll just link to it here.

Two posts in one day? Wow...

Brilliance

2006-01-15T16:46:00.000+02:00

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Joel Beider

2005-12-26T17:03:00.000+02:00

Ok, here’s a post a long time in the making. I promised Joel Beider a long time ago that I’d write an entire blog about him. See, sometimes people ask me to put them in my blog, to drop a name, whatever. I usually ignore them. But Joel Beider doesn’t take no for an answer. Joel Beider is insistent. Joel Beider wants an entire post dedicated to nothing but the repetition of Joel Beider’s name, as often as possible. I even wrote a short screenplay about him (think Being John Malkovitch).

Enter Joel Beider. Joel Beider is waiting for him in the room.

Joel Beider #1: Joel Beider?

Joel Beider #2: Joel Beider!

JB 1: Joel Beider… (looks around, franticly) Joel! Joel Beider!

JB 2: (throws his head back with a sinister laugh, extending his arms) Joel – (dramatic pause) – BEIDER!!

Hundreds of Joel Beiders enter the room, chanting: Joel Beider, Joel Beider…

The Joel Beider minions tie up Joel Beider #1, and carry him off.

JB 1: Joooooooooooooooooel…….

That’s actually just a short excerpt from the climax. The movie will be released summer of 2007, year of our Joel.

Order of Cereal

2005-12-19T23:04:00.000+02:00

I think blogs need to be more focused, around a central idea. I see that nearly all of my posts are about food, or written while eating, or written while thinking about food. So I’m going to blog about food today. Today, I shall share with you my wisdom. Today I will teach you how to eat cereal.

To start with, you need four things. You need a bowl, you need a spoon, you need cereal, and you need milk (unspoiled). There’s nothing worse than waking up in the morning, trudging over to the kitchen table and sitting down with what you think are all the things you need to enjoy your morning bowl, only to have to get up again because you can’t eat cereal without spoon. Make it your morning mantra. Four things, four things. You can’t go wrong.

Ok, so now you’re sitting there with your bowl, your spoon, your milk, and your cereal. What’s your next move? Whatever you do, don’t start with the milk. I know, you’re tired, and you just want to get all this crap in your bowl, eat it, and be on your way, but trust me, a second of cautious premeditation is worth, I don’t know, like ten seconds of cereal eating time. So I repeat, do not start with milk. I’ve made this mistake many a time, from inexperience, and later from laziness and general morning slugginess. Most cereals (especially kix) are notorious floaters, and the first layer will barely break the surface of the milk, and the rest will climb on top and spill over the sides of the bowl. And then you’ve got a mess on your (mom’s) hands.

Another problem with milk-firsters is that it’s difficult to judge the amount of milk when you’re pouring into an empty bowl. You want the milk to reach just below the surface of the cereal, too high will drown it, and too low will leave it dry. Let’s say you pour the milk to the level you normally pour with a pre-cerealed bowl, when you pour the cereal in this time (assuming you use the spoon to press the floaters down into the milk) there’s still a good chance you’ll have a milk spill on your hands, as the milk level rises. And that’s something nobody wants.

So you’ve got your four things, and you’re pouring your cereal first. That’s a good start. But I know the burning question on your minds. Spoon placement. Where should your spoon be during all of this? Good question. With this you really have two valid options, and a third option to be avoided at all costs.

Option one: Put the spoon in the bowl before you start pouring cereal. This works fine, you pour the milk, and everybody’s happy. Just be careful not to get milk on the handle of the spoon, or you’ll get some on your fingers when you pick it up. Not the end of the world, but it could put a damper on your cereal-eating experience.

Option two: Keep the spoon out of the bowl until the milk has been poured. You’re safe here too. Just don’t lose the spoon.

What you do not want to do here is pour the cereal, put in the spoon, and then pour milk. You see, when you put in the spoon after the cereal, the cup of the spoon tends to rest upon the surface of the cereal. Then when you pour the milk, it lands on the spoon, and splashes in every direction. This is the worst kind of mess. Don’t pretend like it’s never happened to you. Now you know how to prevent it.

Now you’re ready to eat cereal. If you want to put in sliced bananas or strawberries, it’s kind of gay, but it’s your call. Maybe you just like strawberries in your cereal. Or maybe you’re just gay.

Where were they?

2005-09-25T10:35:00.000+03:00

A great example of Israeli governmental laziness, and Israeli media's chutzpah.

You'd think that at least Moshe Katzav, with few official duties and seemingly nothing to do, would find the time.

Socket Packet Protocol Justice Socket Packet Rocket!

2005-09-22T14:12:00.000+03:00

I finally finished watching 24. What an amazing accomplishment. All four seasons, at the expense of studying, having a life, and on occasion, food and drink.

Why do I watch the show?

Is it the great writing?
(Open me up another socket! We've got too many active protocols! You've got to trust me! (and repeat).)

Is the the drama?
(Tony: Man, I can't believe that only this morning Jack and Audry were planning their future together. It's only noon, and he's already tortured and killed her husband, and he's about to torture her brother.
Michelle: I still love you, Tony!
Chloe: Hey, weren't you guys once married? That's got to be awkward for you. Well, I just wanted to say that. I'm going to be bickering with Edgar if you need me.)

Maybe it's the great plotlines.
(Evil Terrorist Ringleader: OK boys, here's the plan for tomorrow. We blow up a train in order to rob this guy of his suitcase, which has a device that can meltdown nuclear power plants. Then we kidnap the Secratary of State and his daughter to distract the feds while we implement this. All this, however, is only to misdirect their attention so that we can steal a stealth aircraft and shoot down air force one. Once air force one is down, we search through the wreckage and steal the 'football,' the suitcase containing the nuclear codes, so that we can steal a nuke, load it onto a preassembled Soviet stealth missile we've got in Iowa, and launch it at Los Angeles. Once the nuke goes off, it should trigger the old shoe to hit the marble and make it roll down the stairs, catapulting the old man off the diving board and into the bathtub, where the cage will fall, triumphantly trapping the infidel capitalist American mouse on the cheese square.)

Whatever it was, I'm glad it's over. Until season Five begins...

Katrina, Gaza, and the Moon

2005-09-16T01:53:00.000+03:00

Let's get this straight:

Hurricane Katrina destroys New Orleans, causing many deaths, and billions of dollars in damages. Recovery estimates reach the hundred billions, and may continue to rise even higher. Israel's delegation in Washington prudently decides not to raise the issue of resettlement costs (a measly one billion) of Gaza evacuees.

Meanwhile, Bush signs off on a 100 billion dollar plan to put four guys on the moon for 7 days in 2018?

Dr. Cox, Terrorist

2005-09-14T15:37:00.000+03:00

I find it oddly disconcerting when actors I know from different TV shows pop up in small roles in movies. They actually made a joke about this in Scrubs, in an episode where it's revealed that Janitor was once a small bit actor, and played the traffic cop who chases after Richard Kimble on the subway in The Fugitive. Of course, the joke was, that the actor who plays Janitor was actually the actor from the movie.

Anyways, Dr. Cox from Scrubs keeps on popping up in different movies that I've been seeing lately, and for some reason it bothers me more than the others, possibly because he plays such a specific personality on the TV show, and strays from it so drastically in the movies. In Office Space he plays one of the consultants (Jim and Jim? Jon and Jon? I remember there was some joke like that. I think it was Bill and Bill.) who interview everybody in the office to try to make cuts (I don't know about you, but I am a HUGE Michael Bolton fan...). He's also one of the renegade marines in The Rock. He's one of the first to die; I think Sean Connery's charactor sets him on fire or something. The thing that bothers me, is guess, is that in the movie he's so obviously Ed Harris' flunky, and Dr. Cox is NOBODY's flunky.

I feel like my blog is losing focus. What do you think?

Sikhism

2005-09-13T17:19:00.000+03:00

So, apparently, I'm a Sikh. How embarrassing. But at least I'm 93% Orthodox Jew. Take this test here. Hat Tip: Godol Hador

1.	Sikhism (98%)
2.	Orthodox Judaism (93%)
3.	Islam (83%)
4.	Reform Judaism (83%)
5.	Bah�'� Faith (78%)
6.	Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (70%)
7.	Jainism (62%)
8.	Hinduism (61%)
9.	Liberal Quakers (57%)
10.	Eastern Orthodox (55%)
11.	Roman Catholic (55%)
12.	Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (55%)
13.	Unitarian Universalism (53%)
14.	Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (53%)
15.	Jehovah's Witness (51%)
16.	Orthodox Quaker (49%)
17.	Seventh Day Adventist (48%)
18.	Neo-Pagan (46%)
19.	Mahayana Buddhism (46%)
20.	Theravada Buddhism (36%)
21.	Scientology (35%)
22.	New Age (30%)
23.	New Thought (30%)
24.	Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (26%)
25.	Secular Humanism (24%)
26.	Taoism (23%)
27.	Nontheist (21%)

AIM (Those Bastards)

2005-09-06T23:10:00.000+03:00

Has anybody noticed that with the new AIM software, when you sign in it browses away from whatever page you were reading, and goes to the AOL homepage? How friggin' annoying is that? I guess nobody clicked on their AIM Today window in the old version, and they figured if they just took up more than your screen, and actually took away the thing you were already reading/looking at, they're have more hits. Bastards.

Laziness Pays

2005-08-19T17:25:00.000+03:00

Hello! Remember me? I used to write here. You, for some reason, still come back every day (or however often) to check to see if I've updated. Well, I haven't. I mean, I have, just not until now. So, I guess, now I have. So, I have. At this point you're asking yourself what you ever liked about my blog. And I don’t blame you…

Anyways, I promised a blog a while back on nefesh b'nefesh, back when I was still really angry with them for refusing to help me. Now I'm less angry, but I still think they suck. Here's why… (cue eerie suspenseful instrumental music (you have to have watched the entire first season of 24 with the subtitles on to have gotten that (watching the entire first (and second) season(s) of 24 with or without subtitles may or may not account for my prolonged absence from blogging)))

Nefesh B'Nefesh, God bless 'em, help people with bureaucracy when making aliya. At least, that's what they pretend to do. What they actually do is take all the cookie cutter aliya cases of rich dentists from Woodmere (10 points for whoever tells me what song includes the line "dentist from woodmere") who have the easiest and simplest time making aliya anyway, fill out their forms for them, and give them a bucket of cash to “ease the transition”. Complicated aliya cases (like, for example, me) get no help. Should you ever have the misfortune to make aliya after volunteering with Magen David Adom before signing up for over a year of (volunteer!) service in the army (and forget about the nearly three years in yeshiva), expect no help from Nefesh B'Nefesh. No money, no cutting through red tape. We, obviously, need no help with “easing the transition.”

Now then, after getting no help from NBN, and after being informed that after you spend 18 months in the country (I had been here 23) you lose the sal klita (a bucket of cash from the state, not to be confused with the bucket of cash from NBN) I decided that there was no rush to finish the whole aliya process, and took my time. I may have set the record for longest gap between getting a teudat zehut and getting a teudat oleh (10 and a half months). Here’s where the laziness pays part comes in. After yelling at me for being so damn lazy, the nice lady in the office tells me that, lucky for me, they changed the law just a couple of days ago, and instead of an 18 month cap on the sal klita, it’s extended to 24 months (readers of previous parenthetical comments will note that I qualified for this by a mere month). Had I taken care of all the necessary on time, I would never have gotten the money.

So that’s where the story ends. Because I was lazy, and got screwed by Nefesh B’Nefesh, I got a lump sum of 15,542 shekels (14$ US).

.Until next time… whenever that may be

Where Have I Been?

2005-07-18T23:27:00.000+03:00

Around, you know?

To my many many fans, sorry I've been lazy. Alot's going on. My last final is tomorrow morning, and I've actually been studying, at the expense of blogging. Also, as mentioned, I've been lazy.

Anyways, while studying, I came across what may be the absolute worst metaphor ever published (And I don't mean one of those stupid "worst metaphor" emails that keep circulating. This was actually published in a book on television media, and I had to read it for this test (which I am, of course, going to fail.).). I just thought I'd share it with you.

From Television and Everyday Life, by Roger Silverstone, page 140:

"...The television audience still seems to emerge in this research rather like plankton floating on the surface of the Gulf Stream and the North Atlantic Drift - alive but entirely impotent to affect the dominant direction of the current. It is part of a food (only in this case a cultural) chain."

The bizarreness of the metaphor is magnified by the specifics of it. Other than the obvious "why plankton?" question that begs to be asked, why specificity Gulf Stream or North-Atlantic-Drift plankton? Is there a problem with Pacific Coast plankton that inhibits its metaphorical usefulness in the television-as-a-cultural-medium debate?

Oh, the crap I have to read...

Fo Shizz, Yo

2005-07-05T12:52:00.000+03:00

Read my blog as Snoop Dog would

Food for Thought

2005-07-03T14:52:00.000+03:00

I just found this picture interesting. It's an Israeli soldier protecting a Palestinian who had been injured by Gush Katif settlers during "clashes."

Four things to think about when looking at this picture:

1) At last, Western media is coming around, and showing the Israeli army in its true humanitarian form.

2) Western media is simply continuing in its usual perversion of right and wrong, showing only the innocent Palestinians hurt, and none of the Israeli victims.

3) Take a look at the official Reuters caption:

An Israeli soldier protects a wounded Palestinian man during clashes between Jewish settlers and Palestinians near Shirat Hayam settlement, Gush Katif settlements bloc, Gaza Strip, June 29, 2005. Israel arrested several Jewish ultra-rightists in a move aimed at preventing sabotage ahead of an August withdrawal from the occupied Gaza Strip, police said on Wednesday. ISRAEL OUT REUTERS/Gadi Kabalo

First off, this isn't what we're supposed to see in the newspaper, it's just what the photographer scribbled on the back. The newspaper that buys the picture from Reuters will write their own caption, substituting militant for terrorist or ultra-rightist with settler (or terrorist) according to whatever their editorial boardsdecided on. ISRAEL OUT means that the Israeli censor struck out the picture, meaning that you wont see this photo in any Israeli publication. Now why would they do that?

4) Damn, that's a cool gun. M-16 Flatalone with a new Mars lens. Nice.

What's my color?

2005-06-29T20:58:00.000+03:00

I’m sure whoever reads this blog knows all about the disengagement, and how the color orange is being used. Meanwhile, those in favor have started using the color blue, with somewhat less success. Orange is the color of the anti-disengagement forces, the “Jews don’t evict other Jews” slogan-chanters. Blue is the color of pro-disengagement “Peace Now” activists.

Until recently, I've been pro-disengagement. There’s not much of a connection between Gush Katif and Eretz Yisrael, I believed, and if it could be traded for peace, then so be it. I’ve recently (And by recently, I mean slowly, over much time, and after much thought.) revised my opinion (Read: Changed my mind.) to be anti the current disengagement. Now I think that a unilateral disengagement would only be a reward to terror, and while I still believe strongly in using Gush Katif as currency in barter for peace, we would only be getting ripped off at the present exchange rate.

Here’s my problem, though. I don’t have a color expressing my opinion. Maybe yellow? Grey? Turquoise? Blue is for the people who want to give it all away; I’m not going to wear that. But orange isn’t my color either. It’s hard to find an orange shirt that doesn’t say “Jews don’t evict Jews,” or “Gush Katif is our home,” or some other idea on the never-give-it-away line. I think it can be given away, under the right circumstances. But where do I find somebody giving away centrist yellow T-shirts saying “Jews don’t evict Jews… without guarantees of peace,” or “Gush Katif is our home… until the proper time comes to trade it for a peace agreement?” Nuanced positions lack sound-byte worthy strength, and it’s a shame, because it’s the people holding those positions that can bring the extremists on both sides together.

First Time with the Rock Climb

2005-06-22T17:59:00.000+03:00

I went rock climbing today. Not actual rocks, more like walls. I went wall climbing today. I climbed like 5 walls. Now, most of you who may be familiar with my blogging schedule know that I usually post a week or two after an event. You may think that this is to let whatever monumentous occasion it was sink in, but really it’s just because I’m lazy. Yoni, however, posted within minutes of getting home, with a rock-climbing-poem, no less, so I feel obligated to follow suit, though you’ll find no poetry here. My one and only concession to poetry was a month ago, and that’s too often. If I let myself do that too often, I’ll just end up posting song lyrics every other day and call that blogging. Like this guy here (No offence, TRK…).

Back to rock climbing. The first thing that struck me was that adults in the place would trust one eight year old to belay another at heights that would, to say the least, hurt lots.

The gym itself was pretty cool. It was pretty big, had thin meter-wide strips of rock climbing wall all around, of various difficulty. Some of them were absolutely impossible; some of them were pretty easy. At the very end we went up some of the easier walls, because our arms hurt so much from the hard ones (Yoni claims his arms were fine. I don’t believe him.). The last wall we went on was yellow, on a really easy slope and with lots of easy places to grip. This was Yoni:

Yoni climbs wall.

Yoni: This is so easy! It’s like walking up stairs!

Yoni slips and falls down.

Yoni: OK… That was more like falling down stairs.

Me: Ha Ha Ha.

I think I’m going to buy a membership at the place and go more often.

What to do at a wedding where you don’t know anyone.

2005-06-19T12:17:00.000+03:00

I think we’ve all been there. You get invited to a wedding because you know the bride or the groom, but you’re not actually a part of the circle of friends. You get put at a table with other similarly associated people, and nobody at the table knows each other. If this ever happens to you (and if it hasn’t, it will) there’s really only one thing to do; stuff yourself silly.

That’s right, eat like there’s no tomorrow. Cruise the shmorg, eat all the little hot dogs you can, scarf down that shishkabob. When it comes time for the main course, eat quick, and then move to empty seats that haven’t been served yet, and eat some more. Get doubles or triples. Make them pay. And do not go home hungry.

People I Hate

2005-06-05T19:29:00.000+03:00

I hate people who don’t know how to say phone numbers.

You know exactly what I’m talking about. You ask somebody (usually an Israeli) for their number, and instead of the usual XXX – XXX- XXXX, you get some sort of retarded XXXX – XX – XXXX or something equally random. It needlessly throws you off, and makes you sound like a moron when you ask them to repeat themselves several times. It’s not you who’s the moron, it’s them! Jerks.

Now, I have a feeling I’m about to get pounced on by people who want to defend Israelis. “But it’s not fair to simply expect Israelis to get on board with the American 3 – 3 – 4 system! They have their own way of doing things, and you, Menachem, as an Oleh, should adapt to them. Not the other way around.” Excellent point if Israelis had a pre-existing standard. But they don’t. It’s just a random, chaotic, grouping of ten numbers, any which way you want. It all started, I think, last year, when the phone companies introduced the 10^th digit. Before then, everybody was happy, with a standard 3 – 3 – 3 system. But then the new digit comes in, and they put it, of all places, in the fourth slot. Everybody’s screwed.

The thing that really pisses me off? People who think they’re being cute, and say things like ‘twenty one,’ instead of ‘two one.’ What the hell is the point of that? 052 377 2445 (my first Israeli phone number, six years ago, adjusted for the retard digit) is oh five two, three seven seven, two four four five. When you start fooling around with idiot equations like zero fifty two, three seventy seven, twenty four forty five, you end up with impossible numbers like 0502 3707 204405. People who say numbers like that will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes. You know who you are. I will report you if you don’t stop.

Zionism Alert Level

2005-06-05T18:54:00.000+03:00

For the web-savvy anti-Zionist in you. This is the sort of stuff that makes me want to be not religious anymore.

Bring Back the Whole Dick!

2005-06-01T02:56:00.000+03:00

This is a paragraph from my paper, due Thursday, on Joseph Heller and realism. First, I hope the professor gives me some sort of recognition to be the first student to use the phrase “bring back the whole dick,” in a term paper, and second, do you think the two puns in the last sentence are too much?

In Heller’s King David epic God Knows the author again takes a lesser known course of storytelling. Instead of using the traditional manner this story could have been told in, a slope beginning with early triumphs against Goliath and the Philistines, the trials of Absalom’s revolt, and the sin with Batsheva, Heller focuses on smaller details, and through these details gives us the whole picture. Take the story of Michal’s dowry, for example. Saul sets Michal’s dowry at 100 Philistine foreskins. Heller spends pages (pages!) discussing David’s deliberations with Abner on how to go about this. First they figure on six men per Philistine; four to hold him, one to prop up the phallus, and one to perform the circumcism. Eventually they figure they can just kill each Philistine, and “bring back the whole dick.” This sort of attention to detail and method is (understandably) glossed over in the Bible and other Kind David accounts, but really provides for a much fleshier narrative, and keeps the work a cut above comparative biblical literature.

Full Metal Jacket

2005-05-29T13:42:00.000+03:00

If you've ever seen full metal jacket then you have to see this

American Pacifists

2005-05-24T14:53:00.000+03:00

I don't get why people in America are still arguing over why they should or should not have invaded Iraq. First off, from an Israeli perspective, when you have a terrorist dictator hell-bent on the destruction of Israel armed with thousands of scud missiles aimed at your country, the sigh of relief that you breathe when he is finally taken out isn't really affected by whether or not he had WMDs. He's gone, we're in a better place now, and that's final.

But even the American position should be (while perhaps a little more nuanced) rejoice over the removal of a madman dictator with -if not actual possession, then at least- access to weapons of mass destruction. I simply don’t get this obsession on the part of the American left. Are they really claiming that the world is not a better place now that he’s gone?

This article in Salon is full of such pacifistic posturing. Its main point is that Bush had been planning on attacking Iraq for years previous to his actual declaration, and therefore the invasion was wrong.

For example:

Nov. 27, 2001, was a significant date. Gen. Tommy Franks in his memoirs reveals that he received an unexpected call from Rumsfeld. "General Franks, the president wants us to look at options for Iraq." Franks knew exactly what the call portended. "Son of a bitch, I thought. No rest for the weary." There would be another war. The die had already been cast.

How does “Look at options for Iraq” equal “The die had already been cast?” I think if Bush had invaded Iraq with no preparations whatsoever then there would be more legitimate complaints about his methods. But asking a general to prepare contingency plans seems to me more prudent than warmongering. Besides, the US probably has contingency plans for invading Canada or France (For the former I’d support an insurgency in Quebec, followed by dual advances along the coasts, and for the latter a simple channel crossing or Ardennes offensive); they’re simply being prepared. But honestly, what’s wrong with saying that Saddam Hussein supported terrorism (one, of many, proofs) and, in the war on terror, that makes him an enemy?

Lazy

2005-05-24T01:05:00.000+03:00

I have two 10-page papers due next week, and I haven’t started either of them. I mean, I haven’t even started researching. Im just staring at a blank page, wondering where to begin. I haven’t even decided which one I’m going to do first. Either the effects of the Catholic Church on the Spanish Civil War, or Similar Trends in Literature and Art, as Expressed by the Paintings of Norman Rockwell and Joseph Heller. So since I’m so busy, I’m just going to do what everyone else seems to be doing, and post song lyrics, or something, because I don't want to go more than a week without posting anything.

The dove descending breaks the air
With flame of incandescent terror
Of which the tongues declare
The one discharge from sin and error.
The only hope, or else despair
Lies in the choice of pyre or pyre --
To be redeemed from fire by fire.

Who then devised the torment? Love.
Love is the unfamiliar Name
Behind the hands that wove
The intolerable shirt of flame
Which human power cannot remove.
We only live, only suspire
Consumed by either fire or fire.

That was written by TS Elliot, during the German bombing of London in World War Two.

Yom Ha'atzmaut... Belated

2005-05-17T16:25:00.000+03:00

This is something I wrote for the Bar Ilan newspaper, due to come out on Sunday. It’s a bit fluffier than the way I usually like to write, and I left out a whole segment I had wanted to put in, about how Natan Sharansky celebrated Yom Ha’atzmaut in his KGB prison (he stuck his head in the toilet to communicate with the other Zionist political prisoners through the pipes, and told each other stories from the early days of the Yishuv.) that I think would have really added to the piece, but I had space restraints.

This is the last issue this year, and the editor gave me 500 words for an English column. Hopefully next year we'll get a whole page, or a newspaper of our own. I'm not sure yet if i want to devote my energies to this, or that newspaper of my own that i spoke of earlier.

Without further ado:

“So, what are you doing for Yom Ha’atzmaut?”

It’s a question I’ve been asked more and more often the past few days, and find myself asking others the same. For Israelis, it seems to be a conversation point, but for Olim Chadashim like me, it seems to be more of a probe; a question of relevance masking the underlying true inquiry: How do you celebrate this thing?

Let me explain. Every immigrant has his or her unique and special path they took to get here. Whether it was an American coming to Israel for a year and deciding to stay, or somebody from the former Soviet Union escaping communism, or a child of yordim in Australia who decides that his place is the land that his parents abandoned, they all have one thing in common; they have little or no tradition in celebrating these early summer “Zionist Holidays” of Yom HaShoah, Yom HaZikaron, Yom Ha’atzmaut, and Yom Yerushalayim. Sure, they might have somehow celebrated on their own, but not in ways that Israelis are used to. Lighting fireworks on the fourth of July or burning effigies in England on Guy Fawkes Day pales in comparison.

Americans march in the Israel Day Parade (Incidentally, not on Yom Ha’atzmaut) in New York, some people light candles on Yom HaShoah, but there is nothing akin to the unique Israeli experience of these holidays, in Israel. A siren is blown on Yom HaShoah, and the country freezes to a standstill. The country similarly stops a week later on Yom Hazikaron. Then, suddenly, the atmosphere changes -instantaneously, as the sun sets- from somber recollection to rejoiced celebration, as the day changes into Yom Ha’atzmaut and we celebrate our independence. Then, a few weeks later, we celebrate the redemption of Jerusalem, and its return to Jewish control for the first time in two millennia. It’s all a very new and fresh experience for some of us.

Imagine stepping off the plane for your first time in Israel, kissing the ground (though of course with the new terminal this is impossible) and then hearing the siren. You’ve never heard the siren before, you’ve never even heard of the siren before. Is it an air raid? Is it a war? Why is everyone stopping?

Or looking out your window in Jerusalem on a summer night and seeing throngs of Hesder boys, numbering in the thousands, in white shirts and blue jeans, dancing and marching all through the night until finally converging at the Western Wall for break-of-dawn morning prayers. Again, Yom Yerushalayim is not something most Jews of the Diaspora experience. I don’t think anyone from my high school in Baltimore ever thought about dancing their way to the Kotel, let alone knew what day Yom Yerushalayim was.

Try to see it all for the first time! Pretend you didn’t grow up with it, picture yourself celebrating Yom Ha’atzmaut while truly understanding what life outside Israel is like, and what it lacks. I feel like Israelis miss out on the incredibleness of these days; sometimes, you need to be a real oleh chadash to appreciate Israel.

Star Wars

2005-05-15T19:53:00.000+03:00

The latest Star Wars premiers soon in America. I’m definitely going to see it here, and I’m trying to get people together to watch the original trilogy, and the first two of the prequel trilogy. Of course there were all the usual stories in the press about crazy people lining up dressed as Boba Fett, Luke Skywalker, and Aunt Beru (just kidding. Nobody ever dresses up as Aunt Beru) (Read them here, here, and here). That last link is the webpage of a group that has been standing in line in front of the Chinese theatre where all the Star Wars premiers have been until now… and they’re still standing there even though George Lucas has announced that the premier won’t be playing there.

This brings me to the point I wanted to make. I’m not the first guy to say that the new episodes suck, and can’t compare to the first ones, and blah blah blah. The truth is, I think the original Star Wars, episode four, kinda sucked, and is only worth watching to lay the groundwork for Empire Strikes Back. I also thought that Attack of the Clones was a good movie, and that Revenge of the Sith looks like it’s going to be great. The thing is, you know how you can talk to your parents, or older friends (I’m assuming that most of my readership here are in their teens or twenties), and they talk about the day they went to see Star Wars, or one of the others in the original trilogy. Do you remember fondly the day you went to see attack of the clones? Or any movie, for that matter. Our generation doesn’t have a movie that defines us, that we worshipped (unless of course you’re David Zacks, in which case your movie is Almost Famous). Those guys standing in line waiting for the movie to show are a relic from a time that no longer exists.

On a lighter note, apparently Darth Vader has started a blog.

Changes to the Blog

2005-05-10T17:17:00.000+03:00

Cool things I have added to the blog:

First and foremost, blogrolling. I highly recommend it to anyone who has a blog. It’s one line of HTML, and it lists all your links. The cool thing is, that once you have blogroll code on your site, you can arrange it so that you can add links with only one click.

Second, I toned down the advertisements. They were getting in the way. I’m actually bound by contract not to discuss them or how much I get paid (very very little… this is just an experiment… still, feel free to click on the links). I replaced them with unobtrusive links, right on top of the blogroll.

Third, and I think the coolest thing, I signed up with Amazon Associates, so now I have a search box, and I can post links to amazon.comin my blogs. I get a (miniscule) cut from every sale.

I’m not planning on turning a profit off of this blog, but I’m looking at it as a sort of practice at running a website with all the tools I think I’ll need for later, when I eventually start an online newspaper (hopefully next year, if I can find enough other people willing to write for me).

(If anyone can figure out how to change the font color on my blogroll links, comment it or email me. Thanks. I feel like an idiot; this sort of thing ought to be easy, but I honestly can’t figure it out.)

Spark in Bar Ilan

2005-05-09T20:17:00.000+03:00

You know, I always think of things during the day that I want to blog about, and then when I sit down at the computer I draw a blank. So I started trying to write down my thoughts, even just quick one liners to jog my memory. So now, sitting at my computer, looking at the stuff I have here to remind me of really sharp and interesting observations, or funny anecdotes from the last week, I realize it’s all crap. I’ll have to wing it.

Does anyone remember thespark.com back in its heyday? Before they realized that sparknotes was the more profitable section of their website and decided to go with that 100% and cram all the cool original spark material into a little corner renamed sparklife they had awesome science projects. Science projects, you ask? Yes. A brief rundown:

The Stinky Feet Diaries. For thirty days, the author lived with plastic bags over his feet, adhered to the skin with vaseline, and fastened with rubber bands to be absolutely airtight. He only removed the bags once a day to photograph the specimens, and to document how they felt. Absolutely fascinating. I liked his entry on the day he decided to go jogging.

The Fat Project. He offered a man and a woman a lot of money (I forget exactly how much) to try to put on 30 pounds in a month, and chronicle their journey. There were charts and graphs, and photos every day documenting their progress. All very scientific. The guy made it, just barely, and only by chugging two 1-gallon jugs of water. The girl came close, but only gained something like 25 pounds. They gave the girl the money anyways.

The Date My Sister project. This was a little creepy. His sister, a desparate late 20’s year old, came to visit him for a month, and, without her knowing it, he put hidden cameras all over the apt, and voice recorders. Then he tried setting her up with every guy he knew, and would disguise himself and take pictures of the dates. It was very weird, and she eventually found one of the cameras, figured the whole thing out, and called their mom to complain. Then the mom called the “scientist,” and everything went to hell. He posted it all, though.

There were a few others, too, that I don’t remember. The point is, they’re no longer available on spark, which is a shame. I want to do something like that in Bar-Ilan, though. Anyone have any ideas for a wacky science project? Something that would keep readers interested as it progressed.

Yom HaShoah

2005-05-06T02:50:00.000+03:00

Sometimes situations or events compel me to blog about something I’m not really in the mood to blog about. So because today is Yom HaShoah, I have to talk about the holocaust.

Some people don’t understand why Yom HaShoah is celebrated at all. I am one of them, but I’ve been speaking to a few people, who’ve helped me shed some light on the matter.

First of all, the Holocaust can be looked at as one of the causes of the Jewish State. To a completely non-traditional Jew, with no religious attachment to Israel, the Holocaust is needed to justify the Jewish homeland. We need a day that can be celebrated by religious and non-religious Jew alike, to keep that belief alive, and that precludes Tish’a B’Av which would have been rejected by the secular. So that's why we have Yom HaShoah.

Why specifically on this day? The date the secular Zionists wanted was the 15th of Nissan, the first day of the Warsaw Ghetto revolt. Unfortunately, this date somewhat with Pesach and all, so what we have now, like pretty much everything else in Israel, is a compromise where nobody is happy. The 27th of Pesach is a date that falls somewhere in the middle of the uprising, displeasing the secular Zionists, while still managing to piss off the chareidim by declaring a day of mourning during Nissan (Even though there’s already Sfirat HaOmer, but whatever.). Only the National Zionists were happy, because they’re always eager to compromise religious beliefs in favor of Zionism, lest the chilonim think chareidi of them.

The Warsaw Ghetto uprising is, I think, I good way to memorialize the Holocaust, rather than, say, the day the Final Solution was signed (Actually, the 9th of Av), because it singles out the Holocaust as not the only national tragedy in our past (there are plenty.) but as the only one where we effectively fought back at all. I think that that is the more significant aspect of the Holocaust, more than the sheer weight of numbers of victims.

In Leon Uris's book on the ghetto uprising Mila 18, there's an incredible offhand observation that he makes, but if you read too fast you might miss it. The Warsaw ghetto, for April and May of 1943, was the first autonomous Jewish state, with its own government, and with its own army! This, I think, entitles the day to be called Yom HaShoah VeHaGevurah.

California Wines

2005-05-05T01:26:00.000+03:00

Fun thing to do at the duty free counter in the Paris airport: Go to the wine section and say to the guy “M'excusez-vous, prenez-vous des vins de la Californie?”

I got back to Israel yesterday. I went straight to Jerusalem, where I met Moshe and his family at Norman’s (Funny thing to tell a taxi driver you get att he airport after you load in all of your luggage. Take me to Normans! (What, you live there?)). I ate a 500gr hamburger (with the bread) in under 5 minutes, and then we ran (literally ran) to mincha. Through a muddy field.

I hate thinking of neat and interesting things to write about (at least I think they’re neat and interesting) all day, and then totally blank out when it comes time to sit and write. Usually it comes back to me, this time it just isn’t. Maybe I just need to get back into that Israel spirit.

If I Told You You Had a Great Mezuza, Would You Hold It Against Me?

2005-04-29T06:37:00.000+03:00

In case you're wondering about that, I'll explain later.

I just watched four Friends episodes in a row. No, I’m not in my apartment watching downloaded crap off the network, TBS has every Thursday night like a million Friends in a row. Fun times. Now I’m watching ABC Family, where they have like a million Who’s Line Is It Anyways in a row. Not the good British version, but the crappy American one with Drew Carey. Although honestly, while everyone always says the British one is better than the American one, I really can’t tell the difference. I just jump on the bandwagon and agree with everyone, but really, come on. Haven’t you noticed that it’s all the same comedians? It’s always four guys, picked out of a pool of the same ten or so, British and American. So really, the only thing people have to harp on here is Drew Carey (yes, a thing), who, I agree, sucks, but he at least affords them funny jokes at his expense.

I bought some new magnetic poetry strips for my front door. These are pick-up-line themed. So be ready for some new match ups with the Yiddish ones we have (Is that a cholent pot in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?). That justifies my title, in case you were wondering (And don't pretend you haven't.).

I’m really getting used to wireless. I can sit anywhere in the house and veg out with internet (Oh, I’m sorry, I meant I can sit anywhere in the house with all of mankind’s collective knowledge at my fingertips.) I can even sit out by the pool and tan while chatting. Next I need a waterproof laptop, so I can actually go in the water.

And yes, I decided to link to David at least once per blog, at least until he starts blogging again.

Menachem in Miami

2005-04-21T06:34:00.000+03:00

I hate morning people. They’re on my list, somewhere in the low twenties (along with #23, salespeople who ask “Can I help you?”). They’re so cheery and peppy always, it drives me crazy. They’re always so damn productive! (How dare they!)

This week, I have become a morning person. This is a rare occurrence, it only happens when im terribly jetlagged, and it usually stays with me for nearly a week before I can drive it from my system and start sleeping until noon again. But in the meantime, I’m trying to make the best of it.

It’s weird being the first one up. I didn’t realize how much I became used to being the last one up; having the days events already in motion before I even get out of bed. I would always just roll out of bed whenever I felt like it, and call whoever I wanted, to do whatever I wanted (right now!). Now I sit on the couch and watch my family yawn and drink coffee, and wait for the day to start.

My blog ratings on statcounter are down. In the first month I was getting fifteen to twenty unique visitors a day, now I’m getting ten to fifteen. (A person who checks out my site at 4pm, 4:05pm and 8pm is considered a first time visitor (for the first visit in a 24 hour period), two unique visitors (once for the 4pm, once for the 8pm. Not the 4:05 because it took place within one hour of the previous visit) and three page views. Unique visitors is the number you can see if you scroll down to the bottom of this page.)

The coolest thing about statcounter is the keyword analysis, I think. I can see what people search for, and how they reach my site. There are a few normal ones that you might expect, mostly people who know I have a blog, but can’t remember the exact address, so they search for “menachem pritzker,” “menachem in Israel,” or “menachem pritzker blog,” or something like that. I’ve gotten hits coming from “Shauli Zacks” searches, “david zacks“, “sarra zacks” and “dani ungar.” I also get some really weird ones, like “gwen stephani” “Chinese food in Israel,” “chabadnikim,” (incidentally, #14 on my list) and, a little scary, “ner yisroel.” (#8, I wonder if he liked what he found…). Also, somebody somehow got to my site by searching for smashing pumpkins, even though I’ve never written about them, and never even wrote the word “pumpkins.” That’s a little weird.

Sorry I’m not posting as often as I used to, I don’t know how often I’ll get the chance while in in miami, but at least I’m posting more often than david is.

Google

2005-04-13T18:20:00.000+03:00

I decided I’m going to get organized. For real this time. I went to the on-campus store and bought a box of push pins, so I can tack up my assignments on the corkboard in my room. Buying the pins made me late for class though, and I had to go quickly without first going home to get my notebook. So I just sat in class with no notebook and no pen, fifteen minutes late (No, it did not take me fifteen minutes to buy pins. I was late anyways. In retrospect, the pins were procrastinating.)

Ever do a google search, and it takes like ten minutes for the page to load up, and you’re waiting, and you’re annoyed, and it’s slow, and then when the page finally does come up, they write in the upper left corner of the screen something like 0.06 seconds? That’s supposed to be how long the search took. They’re frikkin lying! Straight out! About something that just happened! (0.06 seconds ago, depending on who you ask.)

This blog took 0.21 seconds to write.

Consumerism and the Axe Effect

2005-04-10T15:38:00.000+03:00

Atara offered me a piece of gum in class last week. Not exactly groundbreaking news, but it was one of these weird multi flavor “cocktail” gums that are becoming popular in Israel (or at least a passing fad). If you’re not familiar with them, the basic concept is this: take a regular box of, say, 30 pieces of gum. Instead of 30 pieces of strawberry or whatever, you have 10 pieces of pina colada, 10 pieces of rum (rum flavored gum?), and 10 of something else, I don’t remember, mint or something. You pop in one of each (There’s a helpful illustration on the back of the box to help you out, if you need the help.), and et viola you’re chewing a veritable cocktail of gum. Granted, after ten minutes of chewing three pieces of gum your jaw starts hurting and you find yourself drooling occasionally, but that happens to me all the time when I’m sitting in class anyways, so what the hell.

An interesting side effect (besides the drooling, of course) is that you finish your box of gum three times as fast.

Let’s look at another example before I get to my main point. You may have had the unfortunate opportunity to see an “Axe Effect” commercial. A guy stands in front of the mirror spraying deodorant all over his body, and girls flock to him the rest of the day, drawn to his scent like rats to the piper. The deodorant isn’t billed as underarm spray, like every other deodorant on the market. It’s billed as body spray, implying that the intended usage of the spray is for the entire body.

This, like the gum, encourages rapid depletion, followed by (the advertisers hope) rapid replenishment of the same product. It’s an entire new area of marketing. Previously, to sell more units of the same item, advertisers had to convince buyers to want their product over competitors, and might even resort to creating a desire, or even a faux need, to expand the demand part of the supply/demand equation, and sell more units. The latest trend in advertising, or at least Israeli advertising, encourages non-traditional use of the product, necessitating more purchases by the consumers that already use the merchandise!

It’s not even a creative new use, like using rice krispies treats or chex mix recipes to sell more product. It’s a simple “Hey, why don’t you spray some of this crap in places where it don’t do you no good” message. Imagine if Crest stated selling toothpaste that not only fought cavities, but if you schmeared it on your elbows, might help ward off evil spirits (See any evil spirits around? That means it’s working…) Never since “wash, rinse, repeat” doubled shampoo sales (don’t pretend you don’t shampoo twice.) have we seen such flagrant abuse of advertising.

So next time you see a drooling, “fresh breeze” smelling guy, with rum on his breath, take away his TV set.

Sheep

2005-04-03T00:43:00.000+03:00

I went to a movie at Cinema City tonight with Meir. It’s a nice theatre complex, (pretty rare for Israel,) with a sort of mall built around it. There was a nice American feel to it, and the movie didn’t have a five minute smoking break in the middle, which was nice.

On the way out something weird was happening that I almost didn’t notice. The exit to the mall had three glass double doorways. The middle one was an entrance, and had a guard checking people. The one on the left was closed. The one on the right had three movie theatres' worth of people leaving through it, and a few feet past the door was a small turnstile, to keep people from going in through the exit, but it also had the effect of slowing down the line, and backing it up. It was so bad that it took a couple of minutes for the line to move along so we could get out.

We waited in line with everybody else, and went out through the turnstile. Something didn’t seem right to me, and I motioned to Meir to wait a minute as I stood there for a bit, watching the people and looking at the doors. Everybody was lined up, patiently waiting for the line to slowly inch forward. I thought to myself, why would they lock the leftmost double doors? I could think of no good reason, and Meir was getting impatient. Finally I realized what was going on. I went back into the mall, through security (and risked having to wait five minutes again on the way back,) and faced the closed doors. I extended one hand, pushed, a lo and behold, the door was open. It had been unlocked the whole time! Everyone was just following each other, not thinking. Nobody had thought to try the other doors. I was the first! I had achieved a breakthrough in mall dynamics!

My victory was short-lived, however; after I had proudly swung both doors open, and marched back outside to rejoin Meir, I turned around to watch what havoc I had unleashed. Nobody moved. The doors slowly swung shut again, and the people in the other line continued to stare ahead blankly.

People are sheep.

The Secret to Happiness, Voting, and Murder

2005-03-30T10:40:00.000+02:00

I’ve discovered the secret to happiness. I mean, maybe it’s not a secret, and maybe it doesn’t work all of the time, but still.

Whenever you spend money, when you get back your change, instead of putting it back into your wallet, just shove the bills in your pocket, and forget about it. This way, later in the day, when you reach in your pockets for whatever reason, and you find the bills, you get this wave of euphoria. Free money! It works even better if you do this at the end of the day, and don’t notice the money again until the next day, or when you go through your clothes pockets before you do a wash (note: if you aren’t in the habit of checking your pockets before doing a wash, then this may not be the best idea for you.).

I just read an interesting article in Slate. One of the best things about Slate is the little box that appears at the bottom of every article with five related stories. This means I can read for hours, linking from one story to the next, finding old articles from months or even years ago. This one’s from September, 2004, before the elections, about the odds that your vote actually counts. He makes interesting points, one of which is that, statistically (I failed statistics, so I can’t really challenge this, just take him for his word.) in a state with six million voters, the probability that my vote will be the tie breaker election-deciding vote is approximately 1 in 3,100, the same (Again, according to him.) as the probability that I’ll be murdered by my own mother (Sorry Mom, I know you read this.).

Is there really a one in 3,100 chance of being murdered by your mother? That doesn’t seem right to me (Well, of course it doesn’t seem right. What I meant to say was that it doesn’t seem correct.)

I’m trying to keep updating the blog twice a week, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep that up. I might start updating less frequently, or start writing shorter stuff. Also, I think I need actual things to write about.

Purims past

2005-03-25T15:10:00.000+02:00

We just had our seudah, and I still feel a little drunk. Or maybe it’s just tired from lack of sleep this week.

Every year my Purims are totally different. I don’t have a feel for what a “normal” Purim is yet; I find that this happens to me often with different chagim. For example, I haven’t been home for Rosh Hashanah in 11 years, since I was 12 years old, and I really don’t know what minhagim we have, if any. I assume we do the whole fish head, pomegranate, apple in honey thing, but I really have no idea.

On the other hand, Purim is the only chag that varies so exceptionally in its observance, from one extreme to the other. Some Purim memories I have:

12^th grade, Ner Yisroel. I didn’t drink much, but the entire yeshiva lane got trashed (Trashed? Pissed? Wasted? High? I have trouble keeping track of what refers to drink and what refers to drugs; I think it keeps changing every year. As far as I knew (And I’m sure I’m wrong, but that’s besides the point.) there were no drugs in Ner Yisroel, so trashed means alcohol.). The gemarah says that when a person gets drunk, what you see is his true self, and I believe that’s true. It’s incredible how many yeshiva boys have crushes on their rebbe’s daughters, and equally incredible how many rebbe’s daughters don’t learn their lesson and stay away from their father’s seudahs.

2^nd year, KBY. I went to Mike’s place with Asaf Weingarten and a few other Brits. Asaf gave me drink after drink of something he assures me “wasn’t very strong,” and soon I was throwing up on the street. It wasn’t entirely his fault, I guess, I was a bit of a Cadbury back in those days (Thank you Adina.). Moshe and Yitzchak (True friends.), rescued me and drove me to the Mir, where Dani Ungar (Another true friend.) got me a bed, where I spent the next twenty four hours. To this day I have no idea how they found me, or even how they knew Dani Ungar.

Last year, in the army. I have such a clear memory of one of the funniest kriyot hamegilla I have ever heard. Chabadnikim were roaming the city, looking for soldiers on guard duty so they could read the megilla for him and give him coke, hamentashim, krenbos (possibly the most disgusting food ever created by man.), and chabad paraphenilia (possibly the most disgusting…. I’m not going to get into that.). Two guys would go, emdah to emdah, one reading as fast as he can, the other just going nuts every time they say “Haman.” And I mean go nuts; this guy was out of control. I had already heard the megilla in the base beis (funny… I never called it that while I was in the army.), and was just hanging out talking to a friend of mine who was on shmira, when the chabadnikim came, and, without warning, proceeded to do their thing. What we didn’t tell them was that while only I had already heard the megilla, my friend wasn’t even Jewish; he was a Samaritan, which meant he only kept D’oraiytas. Of course, we didn’t tell them, we let them go on for a half an hour more, and then we ate their food.

I have a feeling I should look this post over and maybe wait until tomorrow to put it up, but I’m tired, so here it goes. Enjoy.

The rape of Tevya (and other stories...)

2005-03-22T19:35:00.000+02:00

Tomorrow I am going to go to the misrad hapnim and the misrad haklita and take care of everything I have left to do to make aliya. I’d have done it today, but got caught up in a two-day-long Red Alert marathon with Shmuly and Ari. If only I was as good at real life as I am at computer games. I’m only kidding, of course, I actually still suck at computer games, despite a life-long obsession, so there isn’t much of a contrast between my computer life and my regular flesh-and-blood pizza-and-shwarma (pizza first, of course, then shwarma a few minutes later.) life (or lack of one.).

I was flipping through the channels yesterday, and noticed two things. Gwen Stephani made a bizarre decision to cover a fiddler on the roof song ("If I was a Rich Man", now "If I was a Rich Girl"), accompanied by another odd decision to portray in the video a pirate ship filled with half dressed rappers, Gwen herself dancing on a ship’s anchor, and four Japanese girls smashing a toy boat against a fish tank. The end result is actually pretty interesting, and it makes for a catchy song (though not as good as back when she was with No Doubt), and a fun video, strange as though it may be. The thing is, though, and I don’t think I’m the only one out there that thinks this way, but Gwen Stephani has totally ruined the simplistic shtetl imagery that has always been associated with the song, which is a bit of a shame. She violated Tevya, and now he’ll never be the same again.

The other thing I noticed is that watching professional curling is quite quite boring (Though no more boring than actually playing the game, I think.). The announcer said something that made me laugh, though (In my head. I don’t laugh out loud when I’m watching television by myself. That would make me quite insane.). He was mentioning that one of the teams wanted to switch a player or something, but they couldn’t, because you’re only allowed to pull a man off the bench if one of your players has suffered an injury. I can think of no sport more impossible to suffer injury from than curling. It’s a frikkin’ rock (in official curling terminology; a “frikkin’ stone.”) and a couple of broomsticks, moving very very slowly. It’s the only sport (and I use this term extremely liberally, really in the same sense that golf and billiards are considered sports, and France and Canada are considered countries.) with players who could not possibly pass for "athletes." Some of these people are just plain chubby. They’re not even on skates, they’re on these weird non-slippery shoes. The only way somebody could get injured playing curling (do you play curling? Or go curling, like fishing, maybe? Who cares? Not me.) is by growing old and dying. Only then would they be allowed to sweep his cold stiff corpse off the ice with their stupid little broomsticks and replace him.

Locked Doors and Gush Katif

2005-03-17T10:02:00.000+02:00

I get no exercise at all here. The most I ever get is running up 4 flights of stairs to my apt, and even then I usually stop at the third floor and hang out at one of the girls’ apartments, and eat whatever they have out, thus negating any positive gain from the “workout.” Yesterday, however, I went bike riding with Adam, or tried to.

We agreed to meet by the Ramat Ilan snail (a large concrete sculpture of a snail next to the playground. It has no artistic value whatsoever, it’s just a snail. Everyone just seems to accept it, nobody asks any questions. Why is the snail there? Who put it there? Nobody cares.). When we got there, we both realized that we both had flats, so Adam ran to get his pump. My front tire was so flat that when I leaned on it a little, I could press it totally against the ground, and feel the metal frame pressing, through the tire, against the ground. I may as well have wrapped the spokes in rubber bands and rode off in that.

After Adam got back and we filled our tires, I ran back with the pump to put it back in Moshe’s apartment. To make a long story short, I accidentally went to the wrong apartment, put the key to Moshe’s apartment in that lock, and it wouldn’t come out. I knocked on the door and explained, embarrassingly, what had happened. The girls who lived there were surprisingly ok with a strange man getting a key stuck in their door, but were just on their way out to go to a birthday party. So me and Adam had to wait in their apartment (interesting how they trusted us) until the locksmith arrived (an hour later, and when he got there he just clamped down on the key with pliers and yanked it out in about half a second, and charged me 150 shek. That’s about a million shek an hour. I want to be a locksmith when I grow up.).

Shmuly arrived today at 5am. Seems like everybody in my apartment is (are?) surprisingly heavy sleepers. It appears that it’s possible for somebody to bang on the door and ring the doorbell for over an hour and nobody will wake up, though Ari did have a dream about somebody ringing the doorbell.

Today is a fast day for Gush Katif. I’m not sure how I feel about that, but I told Rutgers that as a form of compromise, I’m not going to have any carbs, so I made an omelet this morning. First I put a bit of olive oil in the pan and put it on the fire. Then I started cracking eggs, and cutting up the tomatoes and onions. Shortly thereafter the pan started smoldering and spewing hot globlets of boiling oil in every direction, and the kitchen filled up with smoke. Hot globlets of oil hurt! So, I think I was supposed to do all the prep stuff before I put the pan on the fire. You’ve heard of terrible cooks who burn toast, and we’ve all made fun of people by saying they could burn water, but I actually managed to burn nothing. I’m that pathetic. And I ruined my no carbs pledge when I forgot that orange juice has carbs. Mmm… schut.

Downloading Free (or not so free) Stuff

2005-03-15T12:54:00.000+02:00

I slept in today. I had a class at 10, and I woke up at 9, fell back asleep, and woke up again at 10:15. I probably should have gone anyways, but I just didn’t want to walk in late. Now, however, it’s 10:40, and I’m already regretting not going, but now it’s for sure too late. The annoying part is, I was up until 2:30 last night reading Paradise Lost for this class, all for nothing.

What are shoulder blades for? I think mine are double jointed.

I’ve got Led Zeppelin playing on winamp, but I can see there’s a bunch of Oasis songs next on my playlist. It’s too early in the morning for Oasis. It’s never too early for Led Zeppelin.

Back to English: I bought the wrong 250 shek book. That’s really annoying, but I’m going to hold on to it for two reasons. One, I’m going to need it next year. All I have to do is try not to lose it for 6 months. Two, they don’t accept returns if you’ve already broken the shrink-wrap seal, though Ari wants me to try saran wrapping it back together and burning the edges, like we used to shaptzer stuff in the army. Ari’s crazy.

Sarra talked about something I had also wanted to write about. She says a lot of good stuff, but her TV-commercial analogy is wrong. Paying for music or software is not the same as watching commercials in exchange for getting the show for free. TV shows don’t “cost” watching 5 minutes worth of commercials. They are broadcasted for free, with the understanding that 5% of the viewers (or however many) will be lazy enough to actually watch them (or in Ari’s case, not change the channel, but turn the volume way down). If this wasn’t so, then we’d be stealing every time we changed the channel during commercials, walked out of the room, or simply stopped paying attention.

But that’s beside the point. You can’t look at downloading software as something that’s wrong, evil, whatever, and then use the fact that “everybody does it” to do it yourself. It’s an evolution in media, and the networks, music industry, and the movie business are going to have to deal with it themselves. Consumers have already adapted, and the only reason there’s such mayhem out in the market today is that distributors haven’t similarly adjusted. They’re too busy with lawsuits. I’m assuming most of the people reading this are about my age, and we’re too young to remember the TV companies saying that VCRs were putting them out of business, or movie theatres and radio saying that TV was putting them out of business, or newspapers saying that radio was putting them out of business. Yet they all survived, because they adapted. And now, music and software companies are going to have to adapt to the internet. Until they do, they’re going to continue to lose money.

Adina and Adina: See? I do pay attention in Galili!

Professional Laziness

2005-03-09T23:02:00.000+02:00

I finally got my phone fixed yesterday. I’ve been pushing it off for about a month now. Whenever I would call somebody, or pick up the phone when somebody called me, I would be able to hear them perfectly, but they wouldn’t be able to hear me. Which meant that, over the span of a month, I got to hear pretty much every single person I know go “Hello?? Hello?? Are you there?” (Interesting thing about Microsoft Word; (yes, I write these things in Word first, then transfer them over into the blog. A little trick I picked up at the Jerusalem Post (yes, I’m double (well, actually already triple and here it’s quadruple.) overlapping parenthesis.).) when I wrote “Hello??” I had written it with only one question mark, and it gave me the questionable-grammar green squiggly. I couldn’t figure out why, so I right clicked, and it “corrected” me by adding another question mark. That was interesting. What was even more interesting was that it still had a green squiggly, and when I clicked again, it added another question mark, and would continue adding question marks for as long as a kept right clicking and going to “suggestions.” Anybody have any idea why it does that? End of absurdly long parenthetical segue.) while I just kept shouting at them “Can you hear me? Just say what you want, I can hear you even if you can’t hear me!" The only one to actually catch on to the fact that I could hear her was British Adina, who would get into long windy conversations by herself, saying whatever she had to say. But I’m getting way off subject here. The point is, (And I do have a point.) I went to the Orange store in Givat Shaul to fix it, and after I gave it in, I had to wait around for a half an hour for them to fix it. So I figured I would go grab some lunch. First I went to a burekkas place. They had a big sign out front saying “Burekkas.” I go in, and ask for a burekka. All out of burekkas, they tell me. So I go right next door, to a place that has a big sign saying “Shwarma.” I order a shwarma, but of course, they don’t have any shwarma. What is it with Israeli fast food places? It was the middle of the afternoon! And they weren’t even closing up or anything, just sitting around doing nothing in a burekkas store with no burrekas or a shwarma stand with no shwarma. I once went to pizza panini (rechov aza, just after the moment café. Terrible pizza, never go there. I was starving.) at about 1 in the morning. This was back when I used to live in Jerusalem.

We walk in and look around. Empty except for a sleepy guy behind the counter. We asked the guy, “Are you still open?”

“Of course, we’re open every night until two!”

So we thought, Hey, pretty cool. Finally a pizza place that’s open late. Even if the pizza is terrible. We order a few slices. Then the guy said he’s sorry, but he’s all out of pizza. All he had was whatever sodas were in the fridge. Not even a calzone. When we asked him why he didn’t just close when he ran out of pizza, he just said again, proudly, “Because we’re open every night until two.” Idiot.

But I think that’s the difference between Americans and Israelis. Americans are lazy, while Israelis want so badly to be lazy that they try too hard. I think it’s because they want to show off that they can be lazy. An American (like me, for example) will wait a month before getting his phone fixed, inconveniencing everyone around him (except, of course, for British Adina) because of laziness, while an Israeli will sit around in an empty restaurant, not putting another pizza in the oven, just to show people he doesn’t have to. Yet he’s staying there another 2 hours doing nothing because “Of course, we’re open every night until 2.”

Monkeys!

2005-03-04T01:48:00.000+02:00

This is the first time I’m posting a blog (or is it blogging a post?) in the middle of the day, and not at 3 in the morning. Does that mean I have a life, or don’t? You decide. (This was written in the middle of the day. I didn’t end up putting this up until the middle of the night. I guess I have no life)

We watched Million Dollar Baby tonight. It was ok, I wouldn’t have voted it best picture, but I could see it was the kind of movie that wins in Hollywood. It was sort of a cross between Rocky, the Karate Kid, a League of Their Own, and 21 Grams. It had the guy who played Vic the Zeppelin fan from Almost Famous in an incredibly minor and pointless role.

Nobody liked my army post. Rutgers doesn’t like anything political that I say, and Sarit just wants me to write about oranges. She’ll like this one, because there’s going to be monkeys. Monkeys are always fun.

A few nights ago I was jamming with Ari, Feivel and Tsippi. For those of you who don’t know, I play the drums now, or at least I try to. I’ve been playing around with them for a couple of months now. I think, of all the instruments, the drums are the easiest to play. Because we all play drums; like when you bang on a table, or clap your hands in rhythm, (I think rhythm would make a great word to use when playing hangman. I’ll add it to my repertoire, along with repertoire, myrrh, and jellybean) you’re really just playing the drums. An actual drum set is all that separates you from an actual drummer. (And long hair, dark glasses, and an attitude. Unless, of course, you already have long hair, dark glasses, and an attitude)

So there I was, happily banging away at the drums, when I missed a beat. When a drummer misses a beat it’s not like when a guitarist misses a note, or a singer goes off key. It throws everybody off-tempo for a few seconds before he (the drummer, or, in this case, me) can recover. So Ari and Feivel both look at me, and look at each other and say to me “Maybe you should take a little break… sit the next few songs out.” So I leave, shamed and humiliated at my poor drumming.

That’s not the worst part, though. Seconds after I closed the door to the band room behind me, I hear a perfect drum beat. They had replaced me with a synthesizer. A machine took my job (now, why hadn’t they just done this from the beginning, instead of suffering along with my incompetence? I don’t know). I mentioned this to Deenie, and she said that they might as well have trained a small monkey to do my job (happy Sarit?). But when I thought about it, if you found a monkey that could hold down a decent beat, it could probably do my job even better than me. He could use both his hands and both his feet. And maybe even his tail, but that’s a bit of a stretch. Then when it came time to replacing the guitarists, I think larger apes would do the trick. A small monkey, while potentially proficient at the drums, wouldn’t be able to master the guitar like a real ape. We’d have to leave the singer human, so Tsippi could stay. We could call the band “Tsippi and the apes.” All they would need would be long hair, dark glasses, and an attitude.

Army Talk

2005-02-28T02:31:00.000+02:00

I’ve been asked by someone to explain why an American Jew should feel obligated to serve in the Israeli army, and I have discovered that it’s a real challenge to put something that has always been so clear in my heart into words, let alone written words. This is my attempt, or at least my first attempt, and I decided to answer in a blog.

Any obligation here can be divided into two. You have a religious obligation (in our case, a halachik one) and you have a moral obligation.

The halachik version is unfortunately the less convincing one, but that’s just the way halacha works. For every Rabbi who says it’s an obligation, there’s another who says it’s optional, and another who says it’s forbidden (In deference to the fact that I’m writing in English, I’m trying as hard as I can to avoid overly Jewish words, like assur and mutar. Some, however, like halachik, simply cannot be replaced.)

My argument of choice would be milchemet mitzvah. The Jewish nation, Israel, is under attack, we have to defend it. According to halacha, all who are able must fight. This includes Jews living in, and outside of Israel. The argument doesn’t really have to be more complicated than that.

Now, if you have some chareidi ultra-orthodox who gets smart with you and says that he’s participating in the fight by learning in yeshiva, and in the merit of his Torah study, God will help Israel, you can tell him two things.

First, where is this yeshiva that tells its boys to learn and pray in real partnership with the army? It seems to me that the only yeshivot that believe this are hesder ones, the ones who actually send boys off to the army to fight, in between three years of study.

The second thing that obligates him is Torah v’hishtalut (the concept that prayer is only effective when accompanied by physical effort). We see that Yaakov saw hishtadlut as being a real thing. He prepared to meet Esau in three ways; negotiations, Torah study/prayer, and actual military arrangements. He did not negotiate, pray, and pray.

On to the moral argument.

You can divide Jews into two groups (approximately, of course). Those who have made aliya (included in this group would be those who were born in Israel and didn’t leave) plus those who plan on making aliya; and those who don’t live in Israel and don’t plan on making aliya.

I don’t want to get into the whole making aliya vs not making aliya argument here. It’s long; longer than this, and it’s for another blog. If you don’t plan on making aliya, I’m not going to convince you to serve in the army (though there are plenty from this group who do, interestingly enough)

The simple moral argument is that when people are risking their lives for you; you have to return the same to them. Soldiers are part of a national collective; citizens have the ability to partake in commerce, benefit from entertainment, and otherwise live normal lives because the army is there to protect them. The cost of having an army is serving in one. And living in Israel without paying that price is theft, on a mortal scale.

These arguments (especially the halachik ones) are not comprehensive. They have all been said before, and the have all been rebutted. Their rebuttals have also been rebutted. This is only meant to be a general overview of the argument. Also, I’m not a Rabbi, so take the halachik stuff with the necessary grain of salt.

Chinese Food!

2005-02-23T01:50:00.000+02:00

Well, today certainly was an exciting day.

Actually, nothing at all happened. Which I'm used to already. That's the problem with this blog, I think. I feel as though the most exciting parts of my life are over (which is kind of sad, considering I'm only 23). In the past five years, after escaping from an ultra-orthodox totalitarian high school, I spent two years in Kerem B'Yavneh, one year in Yeshiva University, (still boring, I know, but it gets better) a year working on an ambulance in Kfar Saba and Jerusalem, a year in the Israeli army (the best year of my life, the year I feel will draw the before-after axis of my entire life) and three months interning at the Jerusalem Post (if it explodes, it leads). And now I'm here. Bar Ilan. I've been learning political science and communications, but this week I'm going to drop communications for English literature, and sign up for additional courses in the yechida program for journalism, which is more like what I thought communications was going to be like (but it's not. communications in Bar Ilan is more like communication theory, with very little practical value, at least for the first semester, and I don't see it improving. also, it's harder to manage in Hebrew than poli sci is. journalism should be more practical, and easier to manage language-wise. I hope).

The point is (and I do have a point), I feel like this is the most boring stage of my life. I need to get out and DO something. But what? Start a blog? I may have to start making things up. See if you can call me on anything.

I'm listening to internet radio. The guy without the dreadlocks is playing "where are we runnin now?"

In other news, thank you for the comments, it's nice to get some feedback. It's annoying if you sign it anonymously, as soon as I figure out how to take that capability off I will. At least pick an anonymous moniker, and stick with it, so we can keep track of what you write. As it stands now, I had two anonymous comments, from deenie and rutgers, and two signed comments, from david and michelle.

I broke my diet today. It lasted a full 3 days, not including me cheating with chinese food yesterday. I actually only broke it with some pasta that Feivel made, which is probably less bad than a whole cardboard box full of sesame chicken, but in my heart I felt like it was more over with every noodle I ate, while the Chinese food felt like more of a momentary lapse.

Why does Chinese food come in those funky little cardboard boxes (you know, with the wire hangar holder things?). It's not enough we have to eat it with little sticks, but we have to reduce ourselves to eating from poorly made, dubiously waterproof origami?

BY THE WAY, Feivel put out a few pieces of pre-peeled orange on a plate on the the table when we were eating the pasta. Just thought I'd mention it. He's obviously not reading my blog.

I'd like to start writing serious political commentary, but I'm having too much fun with oranges and chinese food (Thomas Freidman can wait). The plan is to generate ad revenue by writing criticism on popular op-ed columns, and drive traffic to my site by posting comments on their sites, with my blog site listed. It's a long shot, but lets see if I can make a living off of this. So when I get ads here, make sure to click, and click often. And post comments!

Oranges of Wrath

2005-02-22T02:21:00.000+02:00

This is my first blog. I wonder how many blogs start with that first sentence? (I wonder how many blogs start with those TWO sentences? haha, i've one-upped convention.)

What do people write about in blogs? I guess I’ll start with my immediate surroundings. I've got The Doors playing on winamp. "Hello, I love you." My room's a mess. I'm eating an orange in an effort to be healthy. Not that I think I’ll ever actually cut junk food out of my life, but I like to eat when I’m bored (could be a dangerous habit in the future) and when I’m just bored-eating it doesn’t really matter what I’m eating. And oranges just taste so damn good.

Oranges are seriously the perfect fruit, but only if you eat them right. The right way to eat an orange is first to peel it yourself, with your fingernails. Don’t use a knife, and never accept a pre-peeled orange (hey man, I just peeled an orange, you want it?); this is like accepting pre-chewed food. Peeling the orange yourself increases your anticipation, and ultimately enhances your enjoyment. Don’t pretend you don't know exactly what I’m talking about.

Second, (Second? Where was first? Look carefully at the second sentence of that last paragraph. It's wedged between two prepositional phrases, but it's there.) You divide it along its natural partitions. There are two schools of thought on this one. You can separate each one first, and then eat them, one after the other. Or you can do like I usually do, and pull the pieces off one by one. What you may NOT do is cut up the orange into quarters (or, god forbid, eighths). I know this was fun when we were kids, you get to bite in and just suck out the juice, and then you get to play with the wedges and pretend you're mike Tyson with a bright orange mouthpiece (was I alone in this one?), but sooner or later, playtime gets rough and somebody loses an ear. That's what happens when you cut an orange not along it's god given natural partitions.

So I guess that's it for today's blog. I don't feel as though I’ve made anybody's life more meaningful, but it felt good to get all that crap about oranges off my chest.

Calvin and Hobbes

1990-05-18T16:34:00.000+03:00